TheYeshiva.net - Rabbi YY Jacobson

The Betrothed Addict

When addictions are powerful, and an abusive past is pulling you down, you need your Higher partner

34 min

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Class Summary:

"The Torah differentiates between two categories of husband: an arus, a betrothed husband, and a baal, a full husband.

Under Torah law, marriage consists of two distinct stages. First is the betrothal (erusin), by which the bride becomes ""forbidden to the rest of the world."" From this point on, for another man to have relations with her is tantamount to adultery, and to dissolve the betrothal requires a get (writ of divorce), as for a full-fledged marriage. The betrothal, however, only establishes the prohibitive side of marriage (the exclusion of all other men from the relationship), but not the substance of the relationship itself—the two still cannot live together as man and wife. This is achieved through the second stage of marriage, the nissu'in, which renders man and wife "one flesh."

In the 30th chapter of Numbers, the Torah discusses the laws of the annulment of vows. If a married woman makes a vow (“I promise I will not eat meat”), her husband has the authority to veto it, and declare his wife's vows null and void.

In Biblical and Talmudic times, the eirusin and the nissu'in were held on two separate occasions, so that for a certain period of time (usually a year) the bride and groom were bound by the prohibitions of marriage but had not yet begun their actual life together. In this period, the groom is called an arus, and only following the nissu'in, the second stage, he assumes the status of a baal.

Regarding the annulment of vows, the arus and the baal differ in two respects. The baal has the sole authority to annul his wife's vows, while the arus can do so only in conjunction with his bride's father.

On the other hand, there is also an area in which the authority of the arus is greater than that of the baal: the baal can only annul vows made by his wife after their marriage (nissu'in), while the arus can revoke earlier vows, including those made by his bride prior to their betrothal." "The Talmud explains that these two laws are interdependent. Because the baal's ability to annul his wife's vows derives solely from the relationship between them, he has no authority over vows made before this relationship came into being. And because the arus’s authority is in partnership with the father, it extends as far back as that of the father.

Every law in Judaism, we know, has a psychological and emotional counterpart. This class explores the relevant personal ramifications of this law by examining two profiles of people: the human being who has made full peace with G-d, and the person who still struggles with G-d, and is never fully integrated with Him. At first glance it would seem the former is in a superior state, but in essence, it is the other way around.

This class gives unique comfort to those of us who never seem to “get there” and are always enmeshed in a struggle against our demons, addictions, and inner challenges.

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Please leave your comment below!

Anonymous -7 years ago
Thank you
This was an exceptional lecture And very helpful
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P
PRS -8 years ago
Please attach the source sheet to this page. thank you.
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- RYJ
  Rabbi YY Jacobson -8 years ago
  aaprove
  Office of Rabbi YY Jacobson | Dean, TheYeshiva.net
  7 Fieldcrest Drive | Monsey, NY 10952
  www.TheYeshiva.net www.theyeshiva.net=""/> | 347.913.3322
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L
Levi -12 years ago
cheese cake
The example of the cheese cake in incorrect. As it was mentioned in the lecture earlier on, the husband can only nullify two categories of vows and cheese cake is definitely not in one of them…
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B
Berel -12 years ago
nedarim
is there any connection with the kol nidrai prayer that we open the yom kippur with?
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- A
  Anonymous -12 years ago
  Re: nedarim
  Of course. This is explained in Likkutei Torah by the Alter Rebbe Parshas Matos 85a. It is an amazing explanation.
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B
Benveniste,Tsfat -13 years ago
Gilgul of a neder
So just as they annulled her promise in this life,so therefore she must have annulled their promise in a past life?(see Pirkey Avot 2-6)So only now they may dwell together in peace and harmony.

...I only hope I don't reincarnate as a ficus tree like the one in the background.
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A
Anonymous -13 years ago
Question
Not completely clear: the father is Hashem, the girl is a jew, and husband also seems to be Hashem, what is the difference between husband and father?
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Y
YYJ -14 years ago
to yisroel
in answer to your question: the father.
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D
david -14 years ago
answers to your questions

1. At what age does Jewish law take vows seriously – for males and for females? Why the difference?

12 1/2 for women, 13 for men.

2. At what age can a father annul the vows of his daughter? Why?

Up until the age of 12 1/2, after that she's like a bat mitzvah

3. Can a husband annul all of his wife’s vows? Why?

No, only the ones that affect him or the one where she vows to hurt herself within the course of marriage.

4. When a young girl is betrothed but not married, who may annul her vows? Why?

Her father and the groom, father must be present. She's not a "complete" wife yet.

5. When a woman is married, who may annul her vows? Why?

Only she can, as long as one of the two conditions above are not met.

6. Are you an addict?

Of course.

7. Have you conquered your skeletons, or are you still essentially always battling?

Who answers yes to the first part of this question?

8. What is the advantage of a struggling addict over the spiritually complete person?

We are in motion; they are sedate. We are dynamic; they are static. We are interesting; they are boring. We fight; they rest. We struggle; they dream.

To say the words "I will forget my past", to think it and to believe it, still do not soothe the body. The body has heard enough words.
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Y
Yisroel -14 years ago
I didn't quite understand which role does Hashem play in the spiritual aspectt - the father or the husband?
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MK
meir kessler -14 years ago
gevald
yk Rebbe
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C
chana -14 years ago
words

your words about words!!
you open this lesson with a reminder of how crucial words are in the creative and healing process.
Moshiach in Hebrew can also be read as Maisiach, as in Maisiach ilmim, yet I have yet to read or hear something on that connection.would love to hear a class on this topic
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KT
Kayo, Tokyo -14 years ago
Future
Baruch HaShem

This shiur remind me of the words of Dr. Victor Frankl;
A person was not a son of his past, but the father of his future.
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D
dov -14 years ago
downloud
shalom.

we have o problem to downloud full shiur in the last 3 weeks.

thanks fore fixing the problem
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CG
Chaim Gershon -14 years ago
more
http://www.avakesh.com/2010...
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AH
Ailon Heitner -14 years ago
Question
The whole halacha in the time of irusin, is only when the wife is between 12 to 12 and a half, if she's meoreset after that age can the father and husband still do hatarat nedarim?
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D
david -14 years ago
mp3
why there is no mp3 file of the class ?
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MNF
Mayer Nochum Fridman -14 years ago
it is amazing!!
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F
Fred -14 years ago
want to view on my ipod touch
can you change your video so I can see or at least hear on my ipod touch?
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A
Admin -14 years ago
Class Description
In the 30th chapter of Numbers, the Torah discusses the laws of the annulment of vows. If a married woman makes a vow (“I promise I will not eat meat”), her husband has the authority to veto it, and declare his wife's vows null and void.

The Torah differentiates between two categories of husband: an arus, a betrothed husband, and a baal, a full husband. Under Torah law, marriage consists of two distinct stages. First is the betrothal (erusin), by which the bride becomes "forbidden to the rest of the world." From this point on, for another man to have relations with her is tantamount to adultery, and to dissolve the betrothal requires a get (writ of divorce), as for a full-fledged marriage. The betrothal, however, only establishes the prohibitive side of marriage (the exclusion of all other men from the relationship), but not the substance of the relationship itself—the two still cannot live together as man and wife. This is achieved through the second stage of marriage, the nissu'in, which renders man and wife "one flesh." In Biblical and Talmudic times, the eirusin and the nissu'in were held on two separate occasions, so that for a certain period of time (usually a year) the bride and groom were bound by the prohibitions of marriage but had not yet begun their actual life together. In this period, the groom is called an arus, and only following the nissu'in, the second stage, he assumes the status of a baal.

Regarding the annulment of vows, the arus and the baal differ in two respects. The baal has the sole authority to annul his wife's vows, while the arus can do so only in conjunction with his bride's father. On the other hand, there is also an area in which the authority of the arus is greater than that of the baal: the baal can only annul vows made by his wife after their marriage (nissu'in), while the arus can revoke earlier vows, including those made by his bride prior to their betrothal.

The Talmud explains that these two laws are interdependent. Because the baal's ability to annul his wife's vows derives solely from the relationship between them, he has no authority over vows made before this relationship came into being. And because the arus’s authority is in partnership with the father, it extends as far back as that of the father.

Every law in Judaism, we know, has a psychological and emotional counterpart. This class explores the relevant personal ramifications of this law by examining two profiles of people: the human being who has made full peace with G-d, and the person who still struggles with G-d, and is never fully integrated with Him. At first glance it would seem the former is in a superior state, but in essence, it is the other way around.

This class gives unique comfort to those of us who never seem to “get there” and are always enmeshed in a struggle against our demons, addictions, and inner challenges.
Reply to this comment.Flag this comment.

Class Matos

Rabbi YY Jacobson

July 5, 2010
|
23 Tamuz 5770
|
2748 views

Dedicated by David and Eda Schottenstein in the loving memory of Alta Shula Swerdlov Rabbi Gavriel Noach and Rivki Holtzberg and all of the Mumbai Kedoshim