• R

  Raffi -12 years ago

  secrets
  I just want to comment on R' Drizin's discussion of secrets. I do abuse prevention education in schools in New Jersey. The way we frame this topic is "secrets" vs. "surprises". Some secrets that we think are "bad" may not be so easily identifiable by children as such. However, we've found that children can generally understand the following distinction: a surprise is something mom or dad will find out about soon; a secret is something they're NEVER supposed to find out about. That is not okay. I think this a more helpful and safer way to frame this.
  
  
  
  Rabbi Raffi Bilek, LSW
  
  www.projectsarah.org

  Reply to this comment.Flag this comment.

• AF

  a fan -12 years ago

  wonderful class
  what a great class thank you!!!

  Reply to this comment.Flag this comment.

• A

  Anonymous -12 years ago

  HaYom Yom
  22 Teves instead of 22 Shvat

  Reply to this comment.Flag this comment.

• YC

  y cohen -12 years ago

  thank you
  very informative, practical, and crucial for every mother and father to hear. Thank you for posting!

  Reply to this comment.Flag this comment.

• L

  Leah -12 years ago

  Excellent
  Our children are already grown and most married, so unfortunately your directives are too late for us.
  
  You have explained so many good points very clearly. Don't anyone be fooled by the apparent simplicity of Rabbi Drizin's suggestions!! They are far from simple, altho' they may appear to be obvious.
  
  Specifically he mentions, for the father to spend just 5 minutes a day with each child. From what I have seen this could have spared both my husband and my children much difficulty in their personal lives----and I am not even referring to molestation but just building confidence and personal strength and self esteem!! Yes, fathers are very busy making a living, learning etc and sometimes can forget who they are making a living and learning for!!
  
  Rabbi Drizin--just curious---the reason you mention the father and not the mother is because of the natural closeness of a mother to her children...and any other reasons?? Should a mother also do the same and spend such time one on one with each child, or is it not as important for the mother in terms of molestation, etc ??

  Reply to this comment.Flag this comment.

  • A

    Anonymous -12 years ago

    Re: Excellent
    
    
    Mothers are foundational and as rule they are readily available for their children. Fathers however, need to make an extra effort. If you want to help insure that your children will follow in your footsteps, the father needs to be engaged with his children. engaging  means a father needs to spend at least 5 minutes a day, ideally 10 minutes a day, one on one eye to eye, no interruption I.e. No texts no phone calles. 

    Reply to this comment.Flag this comment.

• M

  Moshe -12 years ago

  Practical advise
  Thanks for the talk.
  
  Lots of useful, practical tips for protecting our children.

  Reply to this comment.Flag this comment.

• A

  Anonymous -12 years ago

  Abuse in Frum communities
  There is also much abuse by psychologists -yes even frum ones. I haven't seen this spoken about anywhere, but know of a few stories personally. In one case a frum, lubavitch therapist actually advised a newlywed couple to divorce out of Kibbud Av V'aeim to their parents who oppsed the marriage! This therapist also used an Igros letter to support his decision. Be careful who you go to to help deal with issues, sometimes the psychologists have ulterior motives. Very very sad. And shocking.

  Reply to this comment.Flag this comment.

• A

  Anonymous -12 years ago

  Thank you
  thank you for this. I really learned a lot in terms of speaking to my little boy to help protect him IY"H. please continue to bring us such speeches.

  Reply to this comment.Flag this comment.

• A

  Avraham -12 years ago

  Age
  Hi,
  
  
  
  From what age should I teach to my children about this issue ?
  
  
  
  Thx.

  Reply to this comment.Flag this comment.

  • A

    Anonymous -12 years ago

    Re: Age
    As soon as your children can communicate with you and understand you, start talking to them and educating them about “Okay touch and not Okay touching”.

    Reply to this comment.Flag this comment.

• M

  mls -12 years ago

  lashon hara
  When children are taught in school that they should not speak lashon hara, what do you tell them so that they are assured that they are not transgressing when sharing their feelings or telling what someone did to them?

  Reply to this comment.Flag this comment.

  • A

    Anonymous -12 years ago

    Re: lashon hara
    There are a few exceptional circumstances when Loshon Hara is allowed, or even required. Most notably, tale-barring is required in a Jewish court of law, because it is a mitzvah to give testimony and that mitzvah overrides the general prohibition against tale-bearing. Thus, a person is required to reveal information, even if it is something that was explicitly told in confidence, even if it will harm a person, in a Jewish court of law. A person is also required to reveal information to protect a person from immediate, serious harm. For example, if a person hears that others are plotting to kill someone or being abused he is required to reveal this information. That is another reason why the commandment not to go about as a tale-bearer is juxtaposed with "you shall not stand aside while your fellow's blood is shed”. “Lo Saamod Al Dam Reecho"

    Reply to this comment.Flag this comment.

Chaim Drizin

• May 31, 2011
• |
• 27 Iyyar 5771
• |
• 1888 views

Classes in this Series

• 

  37 min

  I Am Here to Ask Forgiveness

  The Shofar: An Outcry Against Abuse
• 

  37 min

  Balak Women's Class

  The Journey of a Young Woman from School Expulsion to Overdose

  What Did I Do To You? Why Did You Beat Me Three Times?
• 

  1 hr

  When Religion Becomes Toxic and Full of Lies

  Amudim Awareness Event About Drug Addiction, Overdose, Depression and Suicide
• 

  23 min

  Do You Ever Throw a Child Out of the House?

  How to Deal with Children Who Break All Your Rules
• 

  39 min

  Empowering Victims of Abuse

  How Do They View Themselves, Agents of Terror or Pure Souls?
• 

  1 hr 22 min

  Women's Vayechi Class

  From Trauma to Transformation: Two Steps in Healing

  The Most Charming Figure In the Torah Also Endured a Most Painful Life. But How?
• 

  13 min

  The Life-Long Effects of Child Abuse

  If not dealt with, molestation can ruin marriages, and affect one's functioning -- Lecture 1 of 6
• 

  13 min

  How Can a Molested Victim Find Healing?

  Child Abuse In Our Communities. Lecture 4 of 6
• 

  17 min

  Understanding the Motivation of the Molester

  Child Abuse In Our Communities. Lecture 5 of 6
• 

  27 min

  Rewriting the Script of Your Life

  Labels Make Us Feel that We Are All of Whatever the Label Says We Are. But We Are Not All of Anything. Class 3 of 4
• 

  29 min

  Is There Only One Right Way to Raise Your Child?

  The Conclusion of the Series on Narrative Therapy. Class 4 of 4