Who's Listening?

"How is married life?" David asks his old buddy Abe. 
 
"It's quite simple," Abe responds. "When we got engaged, I did most of the talking and she did most of the listening. Later, when we married, she began doing all of the talking and I began doing all of the listening. Now, ten years later, we both do all of the talking and the neighbors do all of the listening."

The Role of the Spouse

Mazal Tov. This week we begin the Torah afresh. The opening portion of the Torah, Bereishis, captures the first 1,600 years of human history. It is filled with enrapturing tales that encapsulate the most profound mysteries and challenges of the human condition, including gender relations and the first marriage of history. 
 
It all begins with one verse, describing the purpose of marriage. "And G-d said, 'It is not good for man to be alone; I will make him a helper against him (1).'"&nbsp;(Until this point, Adam and Eve were fused into one body. Here they were divided into two distinct creatures, each one possessing his or her unique structure and personality (2)). 
 
The choice of words the Torah employs to describe the role of the spouse — "a helper against him" — seems contradictory. If a wife is supposed to serve as a helper to her husband, she is obviously not poised "against him?" 
 
Much has been written to explain the meaning of this verse (3). Two of the commentators, Rabbi Schneur Zalman of Liadi and Rabbi Naftali Tzvi Yehudah Berlin, the Netziv (4), interpret the sentence exactly the way it sounds (5): The woman becomes a "helper" for her husband by sometimes being against him. For a husband to become the maximum he can be, he must profess the courage to welcome the ideas and feelings of his spouse which may be "against" his own.

The Netziv, writing in the mid-19th century, gives a vivid example. Sometimes a man loses his temper swiftly. He becomes outraged and his ire is consuming. All he wants is for his wife to agree with him and support him in his raging anger. In reality, he may be suffering from unresolved wounds or a misguided perception which he must work on. If his wife agrees with him and becomes a partner in his rage, she is not helping her husband but undermining him. She should validate his pain, and show him empathy, but she will help him most in his life and healing if she can stand up "against him," and offer him insight into his defensiveness.&nbsp;&nbsp;

Some men cannot tolerate their wives disagreeing with them, and conversely, some women cannot handle another opinion.&nbsp;They grow angry and frustrated, exploding or imploding. What often transpires, as a result, is that the woman, or the man, in order to maintain a peaceful atmosphere in the home, remain&nbsp;silent. Or, to avoid confrontation, they just drift&nbsp;away from each other emotionally. Conversely, the arguments and fighting never cease. 
 
The Torah is teaching us a different option. Each of us needs the help of our partner to be healed from our egos, insecurities, blind spots, and wounds. When a man and woman learn&nbsp;to genuinely embrace the otherness of his/her spouse, they can develop a true bond and reach their own deepest core.

This does not mean, of course, that it is a biblical injunction upon every woman to disagree with her husband 100 percent of the time. (A man once asked me: If he stated an opinion alone in a forest away from&nbsp;his wife, would he still be wrong? I told him: Your mistake is that you think you need to state your opinion for her to know what you think.) What it does mean, though, is that we must learn to respect and truly listen to the voice of our second half.

It goes one step deeper. It is through our disagreements that we can become truly connected. When a husband can create space for the experience of his wife, including her fears, primal desires, wounds, and struggles, and conversely when a woman can do this for her husband, this is how and when they liberate each other from their loneliness. You really help me by the fact that you are so different than me, you stand "against me," yet you can create genuine space for my insanity and trauma.&nbsp;

Looking Out the Other Window

Irvin David Yalom is a&nbsp;91-year-old Jewish-American existential psychiatrist who is an emeritus professor of psychiatry at Stanford University, and the author of many books on psychology, including When Nietzsche Wept. In his book The Gift of Therapy (chapter 6) he shares this moving story: (5*)

Decades ago I saw a patient with breast cancer, who had, throughout adolescence, been locked in a long, bitter struggle with her naysaying father. Yearning for some form of reconciliation, for a new, fresh beginning to their relationship, she looked forward to her father’s driving her to college—a time when she would be alone with him for several hours. But the long-anticipated trip proved a disaster: her father behaved true to form by grousing at length about the ugly, garbage-littered creek by the side of the road. She, on the other hand, saw no litter whatsoever in the beautiful, rustic, unspoiled stream. She could ﬁnd no way to respond and eventually, lapsing into silence, they spent the remainder of the trip looking away from each other.

Many years later, she made the same trip alone and was astounded to note that there were two streams—one on each side of the road. “This time I was the driver,” she said sadly, “and the stream I saw through my window on the driver’s side was just as ugly and polluted as my father had described it.” But by the time she had learned to look out her father’s window, it was too late—her father was dead.

“Look out the other’s window. Try to see the world as your patient sees it,” Yalom says. "The woman who told me this story died a short time later of breast cancer, and I regret that I cannot tell her how useful her story has been over the years, to me, my students, and many patients."

A meaningful and fulfilling marriage is one in which a couple can truly accept that their journey through the voyage of life happens with two distinct windows. I cannot hope or expect that my spouse will start seeing the world exclusively through my window. Can I listen, appreciate, and empathize with the way life feels when looking out of a &nbsp;window other than mine?&nbsp;

Maintaining the Balance

But how do couples guarantee that the proper proportions are preserved? How do we ensure that the "against him" component of a spouse does not overwhelm and subdue the "helper" dimension of a spouse? 
 
The Talmud (6) states that in the beginning, G-d planned to create man and woman as two distinct people. In the end, however, He created them as one (only afterward did He proceed to divide them into two, as stated above). Why did&nbsp; &nbsp;G-d "change His mind," so to speak? 
 
Perhaps He wished to teach us how a married couple ought to relate to one another. In marital relations, there ought to be both an "in the beginning" and an "in the end." In the beginning, husband and wife ought to be two; each party should express his or her opinion and feelings freely and uninhibitedly. Then, in the end, they ought to find a way to reconcile the different views into one unified pattern of behavior, making out of many—one, E Pluribus Unum. 
 
This may be one of the symbols behind an interesting distinction between the tefillin (phylacteries) that Jewish men wrap on their heads vs. the tefillin wrapped on their arms. The tefillin we place upon our head is conspicuously divided into four sections, each chamber contains another fragment of parchment inscribed with one portion of the Torah. The tefillin we place on our arm, however, is conspicuously made of one chamber and all four portions are inscribed on a single piece of parchment placed in one container. Why? 
 
On the "head" level — the analytical level and also the emotional level — diversity between couples is vital. It allows each of them to be real, authentic, and present fully; let every husband and wife learn what the world looks like through the other’s “window.” However, on the "arm" level — the level of implementation and action — there must be one path, one verdict, and one pattern of behavior. If not, chaos might reign and the home and family will suffer (7).&nbsp;

G-d's Yearning Not to be Alone

G-d and His people are often compared in the Tanach to a husband and wife (8). This verse — "It is not good for man to be alone; I will make him a helper against him" — may also be understood symbolically as a statement concerning the relationship between G-d and humanity. 
 
Prior to the creation of the world, G-d, the ultimate "Man" was "alone." Even after creating the world, G-d could have revealed His presence in our lives so that we would still experience cosmic oneness; we would perceive the universe as an extension of His infinite light and energy. 
 
Yet G-d chose otherwise. He chose to create a world that would eclipse His reality. G-d chose to create a human being with the ability to deny Him, to ignore Him, to expel Him from his or her life. Why would G-d arrange such a situation? 
 
Because "It is not good for Man to be alone; I will make Him a helper against Him." What this represents symbolically is that G-d's profound pleasure and help stems precisely from this opposition to Him. When a human being, who intuitively feels detached from G-d, cracks the shell of his or her external layers, to discover the light of Divine oneness within; when a person challenges the apparent coarseness of his nature to find the innocence and idealism forever present in the exile of his heart — this allows for the blessing of a real relationship. When I need to confront my fears and wounds to discover my inner Divine purity and spirituality, I truly come to own it.&nbsp;This “grants” G-d the joy of engaging in a genuine relationship with the human person (10). We become co-partners in the work of repairing and healing the world.

So the next time your wife disagrees with you, or the next time you "disagree" with G-d, emotionally or psychologically — don't get frustrated. On the contrary, this is an opportunity for you to experience the ultimate raison d'etre of your marriage (11). 
_____________________ 
1)&nbsp;Genesis 2:18. 
2)&nbsp;This is clear from the biblical narrative. Cf. Talmud Berschos 61a; Eiruvin 18a; Midrash Rabah Bereishis 8:1; quoted in Rashi Genesis 1:27. 
3)&nbsp;See Talmud Yevamos 63a; quoted in Rashi to this verse. 
4)&nbsp;1745-1812. Rabbi Schnuer Zalman, the author of the Tanya and Shulchan Aruch HaRav, was the founder of the Chabad school of Chassidism.&nbsp;A similar interpretation can be found in the commentary Haamek Davar and Harchev Davar by the Netziv (Rabbi Naftali Zvi Yehuda Berlin, 1816-1893. He was the dean of the Volozhin Yeshiva and one of the great rabbis of his day.) 
5)&nbsp;Torah Or Bereshis pp. 4-5. 
5*) My thanks to Mr.&nbsp;Moshe Zeev Lamm. LCSW&nbsp;(Monsey, NY), for sharing this with me. 
6) Talmud Berachos and Eiruvun ibid. 
7)&nbsp;This idea was suggested by Rabbi Moshe Avigdor Amiel (1883-1946), a rabbi in Lithuania, then in Antwerp, and finally, from 1937 until his death, chief Rabbi of Tel Aviv, in his work Hegyonos El Ami, on Bereishis. (An English translation, entitled Jews, Judaism &amp; Genesis was published in Jerusalem in the year 2000 by the Rabbi Amiel Library, under the auspices of the American Mizrachi movement). 
8)&nbsp;The entire book of Song of Songs is based on this analogy. Cf. Rambam Laws of Teshuvah ch. 10 
9) See Ezekiel 1:26; Torah Or ibid. p. 5a. 
10) See Tanya chapter 26. 
11)&nbsp;This essay is based on a discourse by Rabbi Schneur Zalman of Liadi (Torah Or referenced in footnote #5), and on the commentary of Netziv (Rabbi Naftali Zvi Yehuda Berlin) on this verse in Genesis, Haamak Davar and Harchav Davar.

The Majesty of Debate

Essay Bereishis

It's Not Good for a Couple to Agree (Always)

"I do not expect from you to refrain from sin because of a lack of interest in sin; I want you to abstain from sin because of a lack of time for it.” 
— Rabbi Menachem Mendel of Kutzk, to his disciples. 
 
"The world says, 'Time is money.' I say, 'Time is&nbsp;life.'" 
—Rabbi Menachem Mendel Schneerson, the Lubavitcher Rebbe, to my father, Gershon Jacobson, in 1985.

Cheating on the Shabbos?

The marvelous invention of the Shabbos, a day in which we put our stressful lives on hold and dedicate a day to our souls, loved ones, and spiritual growth, is introduced in this week’s portion, the opening section of the Torah. 
 
"And G-d saw all that He had made [during the six days of creation], and, behold, it was very good. And there was evening and there was morning, the sixth day. Thus, the heaven and the earth were completed, and all their array. G-d completed, on the seventh day, His work, which He had done, and He abstained on the seventh day from all His work which He had done. G-d blessed the seventh day and sanctified it, because on it He ceased from all His work."<a href="#_ftn1" name="_ftnref1">[1]</a> 
 
The contradiction is striking. On the one hand the Torah states that G-d "abstained on the seventh day from all His work which He had done; G-d blessed the seventh day and sanctified it, because on it He ceased from all His work." This would mean that G-d completed His work on the sixth day, followed by a day of rest. Yet the very same verse declares that "G-d completed His work on the seventh day," meaning that He completed the work on the seventh, not on the sixth, day. 
 
Divine Punctuality

The Midrash and Rashi offer the following explanation:<a onclick="ty.scrollTo('_ednref2')" id="_edn2" href="javascript: void(0);" name="_ftnref2">[2]</a>

A human being, incapable of determining the precise moment of nightfall, can’t establish the exact moment when Friday ends and Saturday begins. Therefore, Jewish law obligates us to begin observing the Shabbos a short while before it begins. G-d, on the other hand, knows the exact moment when Friday merges into Shabbos, and therefore, on the first Friday of creation, He continued His work throughout the entire day, until the end of the very last moment before the Shabbos began. Since G-d would not cease building His world until the moment that Shabbos began, it appeared as if He completed His work on the Shabbos day itself. Because of this appearance, the verse states that G-d completed His work "on the seventh day," since that is how it looked from a human vantage point.<a onclick="ty.scrollTo('_ednref3')" id="_edn3" href="javascript: void(0);" name="_ftnref3">[3]</a>

But why? What was the purpose of G-d working all the way till Shabbos and making it appear that He is "violating" the holy day? What compelled G-d to give off this false impression that He was laboring on the Shabbos? And why would the Torah be interested is relating this detail to us?

Cherish the Moment

It is here that we are presented with one of the important contributions of Judaism to civilization: the value of time.

For six full days G-d created a universe that is extraordinary in its magnitude and grandeur. During this week, the Creator fashioned a cosmos of endless mystery and limitless depth. One could not conceive of a more accomplished and successful week. Following such a fruitful and productive work week, as the sixth day was winding down, G-d had the full right to sit back and enjoy His grand achievement.

Comes the Torah and declares—no! As long as there was even one moment remaining during which the building of a world can continue, G-d would not stop.

How to Manage Your Time

We, too, are builders of the world, in the lovely Talmudic phrase, “partners of the Divine in the work of creation.”<a onclick="ty.scrollTo('_ednref4')" id="_edn4" href="javascript: void(0);" name="_ftnref4">[4]</a> G-d built a physical world out of Divine energy; our job is to build spiritual energy out of a physical world; to transform the universe into a moral and sacred space, saturated with light and goodness.

Comes the Torah and teaches that even if you have already employed your strengths to build a beautiful world; even if you have affected many people, ignited many hearts, and touched many souls, as long as you have the capacity to construct one more heart, inspire one more soul, empower one more mind, and transform one more individual—do no cease from the sacred work.

&nbsp;

G-d continues to fashion His world up to, and including, the last possible moment, in order to teach us: Carpe Diem! Every moment of life contains infinite value. If there is still one human being you can touch, do not desist.

Sometimes, you may have accomplished so much during your life, and you feel that it is time to slow down. Comes the Torah and says: If you still have life in your bones, and there is one soul for whom you can make a difference—do not stop.

The Final Blow

What is more, the Torah emphasizes that "On the seventh day G-d completed His work." The work G-d had done during the final moments of the sixth day brought to completion all the amazing work of the six preceding days. 
 
The same is true in our individual lives. The work you do in the final moments of your “week,” may seem small and insignificant, relative to all the great things you did earlier. But in actuality, these final acts may be the ones that complete your life’s mission. You never know the full significance of a singular act.

Just as this is true in each of our personal lives, it also holds true about all of history. Our generation, as the sixth millennium is winding down, has been compared in Jewish texts to the "Friday" afternoon of history,<a onclick="ty.scrollTo('_ednref5')" id="_edn5" href="javascript: void(0);" name="_ftnref5">[5]</a> moments before the Shabbos of history arrives. We may often view our daily involvement in acts of kindness, in the study of Torah and observance of Mitzvos as inconsequential in the big picture. After millennia of great people doing great things, what can I, a small person, already accomplish? 
 
In truth, however, it is the small and ordinary things that we do in our lives today that grant completion to 6,000 years of love, commitment, and sacrifice. It is our “final touch” that will turn the world into a G-dly place and bring redemption to our turbulent planet.

We are the fortunate ones to bring it all to completion.<a onclick="ty.scrollTo('_ednref6')" id="_edn6" href="javascript: void(0);" name="_ftnref6">[6]</a>

___________________________

<a href="#_ftnref1" name="_ftn1">[1]</a> Genesis 1:31; 2:1-2.

<a onclick="ty.scrollTo('_edn2')" id="_ednref2" href="javascript: void(0);" name="_ftn2">[2]</a> Bereishis Rabah 10:9. Rashi to Genesis 2:2. Cf. Rashi to Megilah 9a.

<a onclick="ty.scrollTo('_edn3')" id="_ednref3" href="javascript: void(0);" name="_ftn3">[3]</a> Cf. Likkutei Sichos vol. 5 pp. 24-33, where it is demonstrated that Rashi's view is that G-d actually completed the work at the first moment of the seventh day; yet it was a type of work that is permitted on the Shabbos (See there for a full-fledged presentation of this fascinating idea.)

<a onclick="ty.scrollTo('_edn4')" id="_ednref4" href="javascript: void(0);" name="_ftn4">[4]</a> Shabbos 119b

<a onclick="ty.scrollTo('_edn5')" id="_ednref5" href="javascript: void(0);" name="_ftn5">[5]</a> See Ramban to Genesis 1:1; Or Hachaim beginning of Parshas Tzav. Cf. Sefer Hasichos 5750 p. 254 and references noted there as well as Sefer Hasichos 5749 p. 477

<a onclick="ty.scrollTo('_edn6')" id="_ednref6" href="javascript: void(0);" name="_ftn6">[6]</a> This essay is based on a talk delivered by the Lubavitcher Rebbe on Shabbas Parshas Bereishis 5728, October 28, 1967. The talk is published in Likkutei Sichos vol. 5 pp. 24-35; Sichos Kodesh 5728 pp. 114-115.

The contradiction is striking. On the one hand the Torah states that G-d &quot;abstained on the seventh day from all His work which He had done.&rdquo; Yet the very same verse declares that &quot;G-d completed His work on the seventh day,&quot; meaning that He completed the work on the seventh, not on the sixth, day? 
 
The Midrash and Rashi offer the following explanation. G-d knows the exact moment when Friday merges into Shabbos, and therefore, on the first Friday of creation, He continued His work throughout the entire day, until the end of the very last moment before the Shabbos began. 

But why? What was the purpose of G-d working all the way till Shabbos and making it appear that He is &quot;violating&quot; the holy day? What compelled G-d to give off this false impression that He was laboring on the Shabbos? And why would the Torah be interested is relating this detail to us?

The Snake

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