Five Love Languages of Judaism
- May 29, 2017
- |
- 4 Sivan 5777
Rabbi YY Jacobson
36 viewsFive Love Languages of Judaism
Rabbi YY Jacobson
- May 29, 2017
Communication Breakdown
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'
The moral of the story? Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
Negative
Random guy turns to a couple and says: You guys are a bit negative.
Couple: Yeah! But two negatives make a positive.
The Five Voices
There is a fascinating teaching in the Talmud:
ברכות ו, ב: אמר רב חלבו אמר רב הונא, כל הנהנה מסעודת חתן ואינו משמחו, עובר בחמשה קולות שנאמר (ירמיהו לג) קול ששון וקול שמחה קול חתן וקול כלה קול אומרים הודו את ה' צבאות. ואם משמחו מה שכרו אמר? רבי יהושע בן לוי זוכה לתורה שנתנה בחמשה קולות שנאמר (יתרו יט, טז) ויהי ביום השלישי בהיות הבקר ויהי קולות וברקים וענן כבד על ההר וקול שופר וגו' ויהי קול השופר וגו' והאלהים יעננו בקול.
Rabbi Chelbo said in the name of Rabbi Huna: Whoever partakes of the wedding meal of a bridegroom and does not bring him joy, forfeits 'the five voices' mentioned in the verse: The voice of joy and the voice of gladness, the voice of the bridegroom and the voice of the bride, the voice of them that say, Give thanks to the Lord of Hosts.
And if he does rejoice with him what is his reward? Rabbi Joshua b. Levi said: He is privileged to acquire [the knowledge of] the Torah which was given with five voices. For it is said: And it came to pass on the third day, when it was morning, that there were sounds (kolos) and lightnings and a thick cloud upon the mount, and the voice of a horn … and when the voice of the horn waxed louder … Moses spoke and God answered him by a voice. [1]
By bringing joy to a bride and a groom, which Jeremiah described in five voices, we merit the wisdom of Torah which was also transmitted via five voices.
But this does not seem to make sense. What is the connection between the two? Also, what are these voices, or sounds? And why five?
Five Languages
Is it possible that an idea introduced to our world only in 1995 was being intimated in the Talmud 1700 years earlier?
Gary Chapman is a world renowned marriage therapist.
After many years of counseling it was obvious to him that couples were missing each other when one would say, “I feel like he/she doesn’t love me.” And the other would say, “I don’t know what else to do. I try to show her that I love her.” He heard this pattern over and over again. He noticed that the trust, passion, excitement in so many relationships has eroded, because deep down there was a lack of love. So, he went through 12 years of notes that he had made when counseling couples and asked the question: When someone said, I feel like my spouse doesn’t love me, what did they want? What were they complaining about? Their answers fell into 5 categories. He called them the 5 love languages; five ways that people speak and understand emotional love.
· Words of Affirmation
· Spending Quality Time
· Giving Gifts
· Acts of Service
· Physical Touch
Words of affirmation
One way to express love emotionally is to use words that build up. Many couples have never learned the tremendous power of verbally affirming each other. If your husband’s, or wife’s, love language consists of words of affirmation it is literally like oxygen for him or her to get these words.
But sometimes I may not realize how much my spouse needs this language, because I possess a very different love language. I thus do not realize that for my spouse these words can be a life saver for the trust and love in this relationship.
Verbal compliments, or words of appreciation, are powerful communicators of love. They are best expressed in simple, straightforward statements of affirmation, such as:
"You look sharp in that suit."
"Do you ever look incredible in that dress! Wow!"
"I really like how you're always on time to pick me up at work."
"You always make me laugh."
“You are such an amazing source of inspiration.”
“I am so moved to see your kindness.”
“I so appreciate how hard your work for our family.”
“Your wisdom is so penetrating. It is amazing to talk to you.”
Psychologist William James said that possibly the deepest human need is the need to feel appreciated. Words of affirmation will meet that need in many individuals.
Quality time
But there is another love language that people have. Quality time. By "quality time," we mean giving someone your undivided attention. I don't mean sitting on the couch watching television together. When you spend time that way, Netflix or HBO has your attention — not your spouse. What I mean is sitting on the couch with the TV off, looking at each other and talking, devices put away, giving each other your undivided attention. It means taking a walk, just the two of you, or going out to eat and looking at each other and talking. It is not about what you talk about; you can talk about the trees or the frogs, the sunset or how the cleaners ruined your dress; it is that you are spending time with each other.
Receiving gifts
All five love languages challenge us to give to our spouse, but for some, receiving gifts, visible symbols of love, speaks the loudest.
A gift is something you can hold in your hand and say, "Look, he was thinking of me," or, "She remembered me." You must be thinking of someone to give him or her a gift. The gift itself is a symbol of that thought. It doesn't matter whether it costs money. What is important is that you thought of him or her. And it is not the thought implanted only in the mind that counts but the thought expressed in actually securing the gift and giving it as the expression of love.
But what of the person who says, "I'm not a gift giver. I didn't receive many gifts growing up. I never learned how to select gifts. It doesn't come naturally for me." Congratulations, you have just made the first discovery in love. You and your spouse speak different love languages. Now that you have made that discovery, get on with the business of learning your second language. If your spouse's primary love language is receiving gifts, you want to become a gift giver.
For you it may not mean that much, but for the other it may mean the world.
Acts of service
For some, their love language consists of "acts of service." By acts of service, we mean doing things you know your spouse would like you to do. You seek to please her by serving her, to express your love for her by doing things for her.
Consider actions such as cooking a meal, setting a table, emptying the dishwasher, vacuuming, changing the baby's diaper, picking up a prescription, keeping the car in operating condition — they are all acts of service. They require thought, planning, time, effort and energy. They are expressions of love.
Physical touch
We have long known that physical touch is a way of communicating emotional love. Numerous research projects in the area of child development have made that conclusion: Babies who are held, stroked and kissed develop a healthier emotional life than those who are left for long periods of time without physical contact.
Physical touch is also a powerful vehicle for communicating marital love. For some individuals, physical touch is their primary love language. Without it, they feel unloved. With it, their emotional tank is filled, and they feel secure in the love of their spouse.
Thus might require little time but much thought, especially if physical touch is not your primary love language and if you did not grow up in a "touching family." Touching your spouse as you walk through the room where he is sitting takes only a moment. Touching each other when you leave the house and again when you return may involve only a brief kiss or hug but will speak volumes to your spouse.
In Judaism
Is it not, then, fascinating, that the Torah described a marriage as consisting of “five voices.” A voice represents a “language,” a form of communication. A good marriage is comprised of all five voices. We must ensure that all the love languages of our spouses, and of our children, are understood and acted upon.
But here we come to the next fascinating step. The Torah is also given in “five voices.” The giving of the Torah was a marriage—between the Creator and creation. How do we marry G-d? How is it possible for two completely separate worlds to meet? This is where the kolos come in, the “sounds”, the “voices”; the only way to reach out across infinity to truly connect with another, to initiate any relationship, is through the extraordinary gift of communication. The kol, then refers to communication. And, just as in a marriage, there are “five love languages,” five voices that make up the body of Judaism.
To remarkable degree, the above modes of communication may be found within Judaism as well.
Affirmation
The most literal language of love, the most obvious mode of expression, is words. Some might say that “talk is cheap.” Some might say that “sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me.” But that is an error. The awesome power of the spoken word is beyond dispute. When King Solomon, the wisest of all men, declared in Proverbs that “Life and death are in the hands of the tongue.”[2] And he knew what he was talking about. The Talmud[3] explains that a negative word can be even more dangerous the sword; the sword, after all, can only hurt a person at close range, while a few disparaging remarks can destroy a person, or an entire group of people, from afar. After all, G-d brought the entire cosmos into being with just a few utterances! G-d created the world with words; we, too, can build people with words, and we can destroy them with words.
Verbal affirmations of a spouse, even if it is not heartfelt in the deepest way, can be the most simple things: “You look fantastic today,” “I really enjoy spending our weekends together,” “That tie looks great on you,” or “Thank you so much for taking care of the kids. You are such a special father.” “I feel like you can change the world.” There’s nothing flowery or flashy in those simple statements of sentiment. But by expressing those feelings regularly, we can help build our loved ones, make them feel valued, appreciated, and loved. If this is the love language of your spouse, not giving it to him or her is really starving him or her in the marriage. It is oxygen for the relationship.
Where do we find this kind of verbal affirmation in Jewish practice? Where don’t we find it? Judaism is all about expressing thanks, and affirming gratitude. We have an entire prayer – Hallel – that serves to do just that. And what about the countless blessings we recite through the day? When we wake, we offer the simplest, purest prayer of all – Modeh Ani – thank you, G-d, for giving me soul back to me for another day. We have a blessing for getting dressed, for being able to walk, for being able to see. Before we eat, whether it’s a banana, a sandwich, or a cup of coffee, we thank G-d for providing us with these simple pleasures, and ditto for once we’re finished eating. When we go to the bathroom, we offer thanks for the miraculous and mysterious workings of the human body.
It is amazing. G-d, in His infinite presence, desired a genuine relationships with each of us. And hence, he made Himself “vulnerable” in that relationship. He wants us and therefore he needs us. So what is true in our relationship with our spouse, is true in our relationship with G-d. G-appreciates our “words of affirmation.” They mean the world to Him.[4]
Spending Time
Expressing love doesn’t have to entail saying something, or even doing something. Some people just want to spend quality time with their partner, just chilling, and hanging out. In fact, sometimes having to “do” something can compromise the quality of the time spent together. You don’t have to go out of the house, to go travelling, or to a concert. Spending quality time together means just being with our spouse, giving him or her undivided attentions, listening to how their day went, speaking things over, and looking at them as they talk. Going for a walk, or having dinner together, whether at home or at a restaurant, are wonderful ways to spend quality time together. In our distracted, fast-paced age, being able to give your time to someone in that way – without looking at a device, checking the news, or going shopping – is a gift of inestimable value.
This, too, is a corner stone of Judaism. G-d loves spending time with you.
“Open up an opening for me an opening the size of the hole of a needle,” G-d says to the Jewish people. What does this mean?
The Lubavitcher Rebbe explained:
דער אויבערשטער זאגט א אידן: גיב מיר מערניט ווי פינף מינוט. אבער די פינף מינוט זאלן זיין נאר מיינע!
“G-d says, give me only five minutes of your day (a very short time as the needle hole). But those five minutes should belong only to Me!”
Spending two hours with your wife, but you are on the phone a whole time, is meaningless. Spending 5 minutes with her, but there is nothing in the world but her, can mean the world to her.
This is the very concept of Shabbos. G-d wants to spend “quality time” with us. But it is more. Judaism encourages us to take these kinds of “quality time” opportunities on a much more frequent basis. The mitzvah of Torah study, just like the daily prayers, are intended to afford exactly that kind of opportunity. Each day, we take time to spend time with G-d. For no other purpose than just spending time with our Creator.
The Gift of Giving
Many people also need more tangible expressions of love. Their love language is giving and receiving gifts. The pleasure of receiving a gift from a loved isn’t really about how much the present itself is worth. It could be anything from a surprise bouquet of flowers to a pair of earrings. Oftentimes the point isn’t even the gift, but the giving. Just the thought that a loved one took the time to actually think about something to buy, and how to get it, is a gift in and of itself. That is its own kind of language; its own way of expressing care, thoughtfulness, and love.
In Temple times, some sacrifices were simply described as a “gift”, a Mincha. G-d, in his absolute perfection, desired to receive gifts. It means the world to Him. G-d does not care about the objective value or size of the offering: When describing the various kinds of voluntary offerings, when it comes to the humble flour offering (mincha) the Torah speaks of the “soul who brings a meal offering to the Lord.”[5] Why, here, does the Torah use the word “soul” instead of the expected “person”, or odom? Rashi explains:[6]
ונפש כי תקריב: לא נאמר נפש בכל קרבנות נדבה אלא במנחה, מי דרכו להתנדב מנחה, עני, אמר הקב"ה מעלה אני עליו כאלו הקריב נפשו.
Who usually donates a meal-offering? A poor man [because flour is less expensive than birds or animals]. [Hence,] the Holy One Blessed is He, says: “I account if for him as if he has sacrificed his very soul!”
The point is not how much he gives, but that he wants to give. Today we continue to give gifts to G-d through tzedakah, giving charity. When you give ten percent of your earning to charity, these are all “gifts” that demonstrate the important place that G-d and Judaism occupy in your heart and minds.
Acts of Service
There is yet another kind of love language. Giving gifts is wonderful. Some people, however, especially appreciate when a spouse actually does something for them. Sometimes, a phone call to the florist, or a making a few clicks on Amazon, can seem a little superficial, but they mean everything to your spouse.
In Judaism we have a concept called Avodah, which literally means “acts of service.” In Temple times, the “avoda” represented the concept of sacrifice, and until today it represents our sacrifices that we do for the sake of truth and for G-d.
As Jews, we perform acts of service. We do things, or abstain from things, because we are serving G-d.
What transforms the activity of dishwashing or cooking, from a mundane matter of housekeeping into a “language of love?” it is the recognition of the effort and sacrifice behind the task. What makes an act of service special is that it means that a loved one is giving up something, putting their own interests and indulgences aside on behalf of the person they love.
That is an incredibly profound gesture. And it even builds the love more. This is perhaps most evident in the love parent feels towards their child: As, the psychologist and philosopher Alison Gopnik has observed, “It’s not so much that we care for children because we love them as that we love them because we care for them.”
This aspect of sacrifice is of course central to the life of a Jew. It is the work of prayer, self- refinement, self-discipline, inner work, and various sacrifices we make for G-d.
To Touch
Finally, we come to the crucial language of physical touch. Even holding hands, or an embrace, can be an electrifying communicator of love.
The 20th century American psychologist Harry Harlow demonstrated the awesome power of physical affection in a controversial but devastatingly effective experiment. Working at the University of Wisconsin in the 1950s and ‘60s, Harlow took a group of infant rhesus monkeys and separated them from their mothers. He made sure that they were safely housed, warm, and had all their nutrition needs were taken care of, and also provided inanimate “surrogate mothers”, that were essentially life-like models made out either wire or terry cloth. When these baby monkeys were frightened, they would rush over to “cloth mothers,” and were instantly soothed by the soft feel of the fabric. However, those rhesus infants that had been given the cold, hard “wire mothers” received no such comfort, and could only inconsolably shake in terror. Over time, deprived of a mother’s soft touch – even though they had everything else – they became deeply traumatized. Harlow referred to this soft touch “contact comfort.”
In a review of a book on Harlow, anthropologist Barbara Smuts offers a similar story:
While studying wild baboons in Kenya, I once stumbled upon an infant baboon huddled in the corner of a cage at the local research station. A colleague had rescued him after his mother was strangled by a poacher's snare. Although he was kept in a warm, dry spot and fed milk from an eyedropper, within a few hours his eyes had glazed over; he was cold to the touch and seemed barely alive. We concluded he was beyond help. Reluctant to let him die alone, I took his tiny body to bed with me. A few hours later I was awakened by a bright-eyed infant bouncing on my stomach. My colleague pronounced a miracle. ''No,'' Harry Harlow would have said, ''he just needed a little contact comfort.''[7]
This is awesome power of physical touch. A person can have everything, gifts to fill rooms, and service to provide anything they want, but if their spouse is physically distant, it can feel as though they have nothing in their marriage.
To Touch the Divine
Likewise, the importance of the physical dimension receives central billing within Judaism, with its constant focus on the physical performance of Mitzvos. The Eastern religions focus much on meditation, reflection and mindfulness. Judaism dedicates much space to mindfulness. But in Judaism there is a major focus on physical actions, in the physical world.
A person can contemplate the loftiest subjects, dedicate mind and heart to the service of G-d;
but until he actually wraps some painted cow hides and parchment around his arm, he has not fulfilled the awesome Mitzvah of Tefillin. The same is true with eating matzah, blowing shofar, giving tzedakah, lighting Shabbos candles and fixing a mezuzah on your door.
What are these about? G-d in His infinity wanted to have a “tangible” relationship with Him. But how can we “touch” the Divine? S- G-d gave us the 613 Mitzvos through which we “touch G-d.”
We Need All Five
Just a healthy marriage relies on the five languages of love – affirmation, time, giving, service, and touch – so does the momentous marriage of the Jewish people with G-d find fulfillment in five languages of divine connection – in words of affirmation, the quality time of Shabbos, Torah study and prayer, the giving gifts to the poor, the Avodah of service and sacrifice, and the physicality of Mitzvos.
In 1991, a Jew from Worcester visited the Lubavitcher Rebbe at the Machane Israel Development fund meeting. He lamented that his 88 year old father was old and sick and now he could not go to synagogue anymore, which was his last joy. He now felt lonely and worthless. What could he do for his father?
And the Rebbe, who was 89 at the time, responded:
Every time a Jew does a Mitzvah he generates a delight in G-d. Imagine! A mortal, small, finite human being performing a single deed has an impact on G-d Himself. So every time your father does any mitzvah—like putting on tefilin or giving charity—he is achieving the most extraordinary feat! He is causing pleasure to G-d.
- Comment
Class Summary:
There is a fascinating teaching in the Talmud: By bringing joy to a bride and a groom, which Jeremiah described in five voices, we merit the wisdom of Torah which was also transmitted via five voices.
But this does not seem to make sense. What is the connection between the two? Also, what are these voices, or sounds? And why five?
Is it possible that an idea introduced to our world only in 1995 was being intimated in the Talmud 1700 years earlier?
Gary Chapman is a world renowned marriage therapist. After many years of counseling it was obvious to him that couples were missing each other when one would say, “I feel like he/she doesn’t love me.” And the other would say, “I don’t know what else to do. I try to show her that I love her.” He heard this pattern over and over again. He noticed that the trust, passion, excitement in so many relationships has eroded, because deep down there was a lack of love. So, he went through 12 years of notes that he had made when counseling couples and asked the question: When someone said, I feel like my spouse doesn’t love me, what did they want? What were they complaining about? Their answers fell into 5 categories. He called them the 5 love languages; five ways that people speak and understand emotional love.
Is it not, then, fascinating, that the Torah described a marriage as consisting of “five voices.” A voice represents a “language,” a form of communication. A good marriage is comprised of all five voices.
The Torah is also given in “five voices.” The giving of the Torah was a marriage—between the Creator and creation. How do we marry G-d? How is it possible for two completely separate worlds to meet? This is where the kolos come in, the “sounds”, the “voices”; the only way to reach out across infinity to truly connect with another, to initiate any relationship, is through the extraordinary gift of communication. The kol, then refers to communication. And, just as in a marriage, there are “five love languages,” five voices that make up the body of Judaism.
Communication Breakdown
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'
The moral of the story? Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
Negative
Random guy turns to a couple and says: You guys are a bit negative.
Couple: Yeah! But two negatives make a positive.
The Five Voices
There is a fascinating teaching in the Talmud:
ברכות ו, ב: אמר רב חלבו אמר רב הונא, כל הנהנה מסעודת חתן ואינו משמחו, עובר בחמשה קולות שנאמר (ירמיהו לג) קול ששון וקול שמחה קול חתן וקול כלה קול אומרים הודו את ה' צבאות. ואם משמחו מה שכרו אמר? רבי יהושע בן לוי זוכה לתורה שנתנה בחמשה קולות שנאמר (יתרו יט, טז) ויהי ביום השלישי בהיות הבקר ויהי קולות וברקים וענן כבד על ההר וקול שופר וגו' ויהי קול השופר וגו' והאלהים יעננו בקול.
Rabbi Chelbo said in the name of Rabbi Huna: Whoever partakes of the wedding meal of a bridegroom and does not bring him joy, forfeits 'the five voices' mentioned in the verse: The voice of joy and the voice of gladness, the voice of the bridegroom and the voice of the bride, the voice of them that say, Give thanks to the Lord of Hosts.
And if he does rejoice with him what is his reward? Rabbi Joshua b. Levi said: He is privileged to acquire [the knowledge of] the Torah which was given with five voices. For it is said: And it came to pass on the third day, when it was morning, that there were sounds (kolos) and lightnings and a thick cloud upon the mount, and the voice of a horn … and when the voice of the horn waxed louder … Moses spoke and God answered him by a voice. [1]
By bringing joy to a bride and a groom, which Jeremiah described in five voices, we merit the wisdom of Torah which was also transmitted via five voices.
But this does not seem to make sense. What is the connection between the two? Also, what are these voices, or sounds? And why five?
Five Languages
Is it possible that an idea introduced to our world only in 1995 was being intimated in the Talmud 1700 years earlier?
Gary Chapman is a world renowned marriage therapist.
After many years of counseling it was obvious to him that couples were missing each other when one would say, “I feel like he/she doesn’t love me.” And the other would say, “I don’t know what else to do. I try to show her that I love her.” He heard this pattern over and over again. He noticed that the trust, passion, excitement in so many relationships has eroded, because deep down there was a lack of love. So, he went through 12 years of notes that he had made when counseling couples and asked the question: When someone said, I feel like my spouse doesn’t love me, what did they want? What were they complaining about? Their answers fell into 5 categories. He called them the 5 love languages; five ways that people speak and understand emotional love.
· Words of Affirmation
· Spending Quality Time
· Giving Gifts
· Acts of Service
· Physical Touch
Words of affirmation
One way to express love emotionally is to use words that build up. Many couples have never learned the tremendous power of verbally affirming each other. If your husband’s, or wife’s, love language consists of words of affirmation it is literally like oxygen for him or her to get these words.
But sometimes I may not realize how much my spouse needs this language, because I possess a very different love language. I thus do not realize that for my spouse these words can be a life saver for the trust and love in this relationship.
Verbal compliments, or words of appreciation, are powerful communicators of love. They are best expressed in simple, straightforward statements of affirmation, such as:
"You look sharp in that suit."
"Do you ever look incredible in that dress! Wow!"
"I really like how you're always on time to pick me up at work."
"You always make me laugh."
“You are such an amazing source of inspiration.”
“I am so moved to see your kindness.”
“I so appreciate how hard your work for our family.”
“Your wisdom is so penetrating. It is amazing to talk to you.”
Psychologist William James said that possibly the deepest human need is the need to feel appreciated. Words of affirmation will meet that need in many individuals.
Quality time
But there is another love language that people have. Quality time. By "quality time," we mean giving someone your undivided attention. I don't mean sitting on the couch watching television together. When you spend time that way, Netflix or HBO has your attention — not your spouse. What I mean is sitting on the couch with the TV off, looking at each other and talking, devices put away, giving each other your undivided attention. It means taking a walk, just the two of you, or going out to eat and looking at each other and talking. It is not about what you talk about; you can talk about the trees or the frogs, the sunset or how the cleaners ruined your dress; it is that you are spending time with each other.
Receiving gifts
All five love languages challenge us to give to our spouse, but for some, receiving gifts, visible symbols of love, speaks the loudest.
A gift is something you can hold in your hand and say, "Look, he was thinking of me," or, "She remembered me." You must be thinking of someone to give him or her a gift. The gift itself is a symbol of that thought. It doesn't matter whether it costs money. What is important is that you thought of him or her. And it is not the thought implanted only in the mind that counts but the thought expressed in actually securing the gift and giving it as the expression of love.
But what of the person who says, "I'm not a gift giver. I didn't receive many gifts growing up. I never learned how to select gifts. It doesn't come naturally for me." Congratulations, you have just made the first discovery in love. You and your spouse speak different love languages. Now that you have made that discovery, get on with the business of learning your second language. If your spouse's primary love language is receiving gifts, you want to become a gift giver.
For you it may not mean that much, but for the other it may mean the world.
Acts of service
For some, their love language consists of "acts of service." By acts of service, we mean doing things you know your spouse would like you to do. You seek to please her by serving her, to express your love for her by doing things for her.
Consider actions such as cooking a meal, setting a table, emptying the dishwasher, vacuuming, changing the baby's diaper, picking up a prescription, keeping the car in operating condition — they are all acts of service. They require thought, planning, time, effort and energy. They are expressions of love.
Physical touch
We have long known that physical touch is a way of communicating emotional love. Numerous research projects in the area of child development have made that conclusion: Babies who are held, stroked and kissed develop a healthier emotional life than those who are left for long periods of time without physical contact.
Physical touch is also a powerful vehicle for communicating marital love. For some individuals, physical touch is their primary love language. Without it, they feel unloved. With it, their emotional tank is filled, and they feel secure in the love of their spouse.
Thus might require little time but much thought, especially if physical touch is not your primary love language and if you did not grow up in a "touching family." Touching your spouse as you walk through the room where he is sitting takes only a moment. Touching each other when you leave the house and again when you return may involve only a brief kiss or hug but will speak volumes to your spouse.
In Judaism
Is it not, then, fascinating, that the Torah described a marriage as consisting of “five voices.” A voice represents a “language,” a form of communication. A good marriage is comprised of all five voices. We must ensure that all the love languages of our spouses, and of our children, are understood and acted upon.
But here we come to the next fascinating step. The Torah is also given in “five voices.” The giving of the Torah was a marriage—between the Creator and creation. How do we marry G-d? How is it possible for two completely separate worlds to meet? This is where the kolos come in, the “sounds”, the “voices”; the only way to reach out across infinity to truly connect with another, to initiate any relationship, is through the extraordinary gift of communication. The kol, then refers to communication. And, just as in a marriage, there are “five love languages,” five voices that make up the body of Judaism.
To remarkable degree, the above modes of communication may be found within Judaism as well.
Affirmation
The most literal language of love, the most obvious mode of expression, is words. Some might say that “talk is cheap.” Some might say that “sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me.” But that is an error. The awesome power of the spoken word is beyond dispute. When King Solomon, the wisest of all men, declared in Proverbs that “Life and death are in the hands of the tongue.”[2] And he knew what he was talking about. The Talmud[3] explains that a negative word can be even more dangerous the sword; the sword, after all, can only hurt a person at close range, while a few disparaging remarks can destroy a person, or an entire group of people, from afar. After all, G-d brought the entire cosmos into being with just a few utterances! G-d created the world with words; we, too, can build people with words, and we can destroy them with words.
Verbal affirmations of a spouse, even if it is not heartfelt in the deepest way, can be the most simple things: “You look fantastic today,” “I really enjoy spending our weekends together,” “That tie looks great on you,” or “Thank you so much for taking care of the kids. You are such a special father.” “I feel like you can change the world.” There’s nothing flowery or flashy in those simple statements of sentiment. But by expressing those feelings regularly, we can help build our loved ones, make them feel valued, appreciated, and loved. If this is the love language of your spouse, not giving it to him or her is really starving him or her in the marriage. It is oxygen for the relationship.
Where do we find this kind of verbal affirmation in Jewish practice? Where don’t we find it? Judaism is all about expressing thanks, and affirming gratitude. We have an entire prayer – Hallel – that serves to do just that. And what about the countless blessings we recite through the day? When we wake, we offer the simplest, purest prayer of all – Modeh Ani – thank you, G-d, for giving me soul back to me for another day. We have a blessing for getting dressed, for being able to walk, for being able to see. Before we eat, whether it’s a banana, a sandwich, or a cup of coffee, we thank G-d for providing us with these simple pleasures, and ditto for once we’re finished eating. When we go to the bathroom, we offer thanks for the miraculous and mysterious workings of the human body.
It is amazing. G-d, in His infinite presence, desired a genuine relationships with each of us. And hence, he made Himself “vulnerable” in that relationship. He wants us and therefore he needs us. So what is true in our relationship with our spouse, is true in our relationship with G-d. G-appreciates our “words of affirmation.” They mean the world to Him.[4]
Spending Time
Expressing love doesn’t have to entail saying something, or even doing something. Some people just want to spend quality time with their partner, just chilling, and hanging out. In fact, sometimes having to “do” something can compromise the quality of the time spent together. You don’t have to go out of the house, to go travelling, or to a concert. Spending quality time together means just being with our spouse, giving him or her undivided attentions, listening to how their day went, speaking things over, and looking at them as they talk. Going for a walk, or having dinner together, whether at home or at a restaurant, are wonderful ways to spend quality time together. In our distracted, fast-paced age, being able to give your time to someone in that way – without looking at a device, checking the news, or going shopping – is a gift of inestimable value.
This, too, is a corner stone of Judaism. G-d loves spending time with you.
“Open up an opening for me an opening the size of the hole of a needle,” G-d says to the Jewish people. What does this mean?
The Lubavitcher Rebbe explained:
דער אויבערשטער זאגט א אידן: גיב מיר מערניט ווי פינף מינוט. אבער די פינף מינוט זאלן זיין נאר מיינע!
“G-d says, give me only five minutes of your day (a very short time as the needle hole). But those five minutes should belong only to Me!”
Spending two hours with your wife, but you are on the phone a whole time, is meaningless. Spending 5 minutes with her, but there is nothing in the world but her, can mean the world to her.
This is the very concept of Shabbos. G-d wants to spend “quality time” with us. But it is more. Judaism encourages us to take these kinds of “quality time” opportunities on a much more frequent basis. The mitzvah of Torah study, just like the daily prayers, are intended to afford exactly that kind of opportunity. Each day, we take time to spend time with G-d. For no other purpose than just spending time with our Creator.
The Gift of Giving
Many people also need more tangible expressions of love. Their love language is giving and receiving gifts. The pleasure of receiving a gift from a loved isn’t really about how much the present itself is worth. It could be anything from a surprise bouquet of flowers to a pair of earrings. Oftentimes the point isn’t even the gift, but the giving. Just the thought that a loved one took the time to actually think about something to buy, and how to get it, is a gift in and of itself. That is its own kind of language; its own way of expressing care, thoughtfulness, and love.
In Temple times, some sacrifices were simply described as a “gift”, a Mincha. G-d, in his absolute perfection, desired to receive gifts. It means the world to Him. G-d does not care about the objective value or size of the offering: When describing the various kinds of voluntary offerings, when it comes to the humble flour offering (mincha) the Torah speaks of the “soul who brings a meal offering to the Lord.”[5] Why, here, does the Torah use the word “soul” instead of the expected “person”, or odom? Rashi explains:[6]
ונפש כי תקריב: לא נאמר נפש בכל קרבנות נדבה אלא במנחה, מי דרכו להתנדב מנחה, עני, אמר הקב"ה מעלה אני עליו כאלו הקריב נפשו.
Who usually donates a meal-offering? A poor man [because flour is less expensive than birds or animals]. [Hence,] the Holy One Blessed is He, says: “I account if for him as if he has sacrificed his very soul!”
The point is not how much he gives, but that he wants to give. Today we continue to give gifts to G-d through tzedakah, giving charity. When you give ten percent of your earning to charity, these are all “gifts” that demonstrate the important place that G-d and Judaism occupy in your heart and minds.
Acts of Service
There is yet another kind of love language. Giving gifts is wonderful. Some people, however, especially appreciate when a spouse actually does something for them. Sometimes, a phone call to the florist, or a making a few clicks on Amazon, can seem a little superficial, but they mean everything to your spouse.
In Judaism we have a concept called Avodah, which literally means “acts of service.” In Temple times, the “avoda” represented the concept of sacrifice, and until today it represents our sacrifices that we do for the sake of truth and for G-d.
As Jews, we perform acts of service. We do things, or abstain from things, because we are serving G-d.
What transforms the activity of dishwashing or cooking, from a mundane matter of housekeeping into a “language of love?” it is the recognition of the effort and sacrifice behind the task. What makes an act of service special is that it means that a loved one is giving up something, putting their own interests and indulgences aside on behalf of the person they love.
That is an incredibly profound gesture. And it even builds the love more. This is perhaps most evident in the love parent feels towards their child: As, the psychologist and philosopher Alison Gopnik has observed, “It’s not so much that we care for children because we love them as that we love them because we care for them.”
This aspect of sacrifice is of course central to the life of a Jew. It is the work of prayer, self- refinement, self-discipline, inner work, and various sacrifices we make for G-d.
To Touch
Finally, we come to the crucial language of physical touch. Even holding hands, or an embrace, can be an electrifying communicator of love.
The 20th century American psychologist Harry Harlow demonstrated the awesome power of physical affection in a controversial but devastatingly effective experiment. Working at the University of Wisconsin in the 1950s and ‘60s, Harlow took a group of infant rhesus monkeys and separated them from their mothers. He made sure that they were safely housed, warm, and had all their nutrition needs were taken care of, and also provided inanimate “surrogate mothers”, that were essentially life-like models made out either wire or terry cloth. When these baby monkeys were frightened, they would rush over to “cloth mothers,” and were instantly soothed by the soft feel of the fabric. However, those rhesus infants that had been given the cold, hard “wire mothers” received no such comfort, and could only inconsolably shake in terror. Over time, deprived of a mother’s soft touch – even though they had everything else – they became deeply traumatized. Harlow referred to this soft touch “contact comfort.”
In a review of a book on Harlow, anthropologist Barbara Smuts offers a similar story:
While studying wild baboons in Kenya, I once stumbled upon an infant baboon huddled in the corner of a cage at the local research station. A colleague had rescued him after his mother was strangled by a poacher's snare. Although he was kept in a warm, dry spot and fed milk from an eyedropper, within a few hours his eyes had glazed over; he was cold to the touch and seemed barely alive. We concluded he was beyond help. Reluctant to let him die alone, I took his tiny body to bed with me. A few hours later I was awakened by a bright-eyed infant bouncing on my stomach. My colleague pronounced a miracle. ''No,'' Harry Harlow would have said, ''he just needed a little contact comfort.''[7]
This is awesome power of physical touch. A person can have everything, gifts to fill rooms, and service to provide anything they want, but if their spouse is physically distant, it can feel as though they have nothing in their marriage.
To Touch the Divine
Likewise, the importance of the physical dimension receives central billing within Judaism, with its constant focus on the physical performance of Mitzvos. The Eastern religions focus much on meditation, reflection and mindfulness. Judaism dedicates much space to mindfulness. But in Judaism there is a major focus on physical actions, in the physical world.
A person can contemplate the loftiest subjects, dedicate mind and heart to the service of G-d;
but until he actually wraps some painted cow hides and parchment around his arm, he has not fulfilled the awesome Mitzvah of Tefillin. The same is true with eating matzah, blowing shofar, giving tzedakah, lighting Shabbos candles and fixing a mezuzah on your door.
What are these about? G-d in His infinity wanted to have a “tangible” relationship with Him. But how can we “touch” the Divine? S- G-d gave us the 613 Mitzvos through which we “touch G-d.”
We Need All Five
Just a healthy marriage relies on the five languages of love – affirmation, time, giving, service, and touch – so does the momentous marriage of the Jewish people with G-d find fulfillment in five languages of divine connection – in words of affirmation, the quality time of Shabbos, Torah study and prayer, the giving gifts to the poor, the Avodah of service and sacrifice, and the physicality of Mitzvos.
In 1991, a Jew from Worcester visited the Lubavitcher Rebbe at the Machane Israel Development fund meeting. He lamented that his 88 year old father was old and sick and now he could not go to synagogue anymore, which was his last joy. He now felt lonely and worthless. What could he do for his father?
And the Rebbe, who was 89 at the time, responded:
Every time a Jew does a Mitzvah he generates a delight in G-d. Imagine! A mortal, small, finite human being performing a single deed has an impact on G-d Himself. So every time your father does any mitzvah—like putting on tefilin or giving charity—he is achieving the most extraordinary feat! He is causing pleasure to G-d.
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Shavuos 5777
Rabbi YY Jacobson
- May 29, 2017
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- 4 Sivan 5777
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Five Love Languages of Judaism
Rabbi YY Jacobson
- May 29, 2017
Communication Breakdown
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'
The moral of the story? Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
Negative
Random guy turns to a couple and says: You guys are a bit negative.
Couple: Yeah! But two negatives make a positive.
The Five Voices
There is a fascinating teaching in the Talmud:
ברכות ו, ב: אמר רב חלבו אמר רב הונא, כל הנהנה מסעודת חתן ואינו משמחו, עובר בחמשה קולות שנאמר (ירמיהו לג) קול ששון וקול שמחה קול חתן וקול כלה קול אומרים הודו את ה' צבאות. ואם משמחו מה שכרו אמר? רבי יהושע בן לוי זוכה לתורה שנתנה בחמשה קולות שנאמר (יתרו יט, טז) ויהי ביום השלישי בהיות הבקר ויהי קולות וברקים וענן כבד על ההר וקול שופר וגו' ויהי קול השופר וגו' והאלהים יעננו בקול.
Rabbi Chelbo said in the name of Rabbi Huna: Whoever partakes of the wedding meal of a bridegroom and does not bring him joy, forfeits 'the five voices' mentioned in the verse: The voice of joy and the voice of gladness, the voice of the bridegroom and the voice of the bride, the voice of them that say, Give thanks to the Lord of Hosts.
And if he does rejoice with him what is his reward? Rabbi Joshua b. Levi said: He is privileged to acquire [the knowledge of] the Torah which was given with five voices. For it is said: And it came to pass on the third day, when it was morning, that there were sounds (kolos) and lightnings and a thick cloud upon the mount, and the voice of a horn … and when the voice of the horn waxed louder … Moses spoke and God answered him by a voice. [1]
By bringing joy to a bride and a groom, which Jeremiah described in five voices, we merit the wisdom of Torah which was also transmitted via five voices.
But this does not seem to make sense. What is the connection between the two? Also, what are these voices, or sounds? And why five?
Five Languages
Is it possible that an idea introduced to our world only in 1995 was being intimated in the Talmud 1700 years earlier?
Gary Chapman is a world renowned marriage therapist.
After many years of counseling it was obvious to him that couples were missing each other when one would say, “I feel like he/she doesn’t love me.” And the other would say, “I don’t know what else to do. I try to show her that I love her.” He heard this pattern over and over again. He noticed that the trust, passion, excitement in so many relationships has eroded, because deep down there was a lack of love. So, he went through 12 years of notes that he had made when counseling couples and asked the question: When someone said, I feel like my spouse doesn’t love me, what did they want? What were they complaining about? Their answers fell into 5 categories. He called them the 5 love languages; five ways that people speak and understand emotional love.
· Words of Affirmation
· Spending Quality Time
· Giving Gifts
· Acts of Service
· Physical Touch
Words of affirmation
One way to express love emotionally is to use words that build up. Many couples have never learned the tremendous power of verbally affirming each other. If your husband’s, or wife’s, love language consists of words of affirmation it is literally like oxygen for him or her to get these words.
But sometimes I may not realize how much my spouse needs this language, because I possess a very different love language. I thus do not realize that for my spouse these words can be a life saver for the trust and love in this relationship.
Verbal compliments, or words of appreciation, are powerful communicators of love. They are best expressed in simple, straightforward statements of affirmation, such as:
"You look sharp in that suit."
"Do you ever look incredible in that dress! Wow!"
"I really like how you're always on time to pick me up at work."
"You always make me laugh."
“You are such an amazing source of inspiration.”
“I am so moved to see your kindness.”
“I so appreciate how hard your work for our family.”
“Your wisdom is so penetrating. It is amazing to talk to you.”
Psychologist William James said that possibly the deepest human need is the need to feel appreciated. Words of affirmation will meet that need in many individuals.
Quality time
But there is another love language that people have. Quality time. By "quality time," we mean giving someone your undivided attention. I don't mean sitting on the couch watching television together. When you spend time that way, Netflix or HBO has your attention — not your spouse. What I mean is sitting on the couch with the TV off, looking at each other and talking, devices put away, giving each other your undivided attention. It means taking a walk, just the two of you, or going out to eat and looking at each other and talking. It is not about what you talk about; you can talk about the trees or the frogs, the sunset or how the cleaners ruined your dress; it is that you are spending time with each other.
Receiving gifts
All five love languages challenge us to give to our spouse, but for some, receiving gifts, visible symbols of love, speaks the loudest.
A gift is something you can hold in your hand and say, "Look, he was thinking of me," or, "She remembered me." You must be thinking of someone to give him or her a gift. The gift itself is a symbol of that thought. It doesn't matter whether it costs money. What is important is that you thought of him or her. And it is not the thought implanted only in the mind that counts but the thought expressed in actually securing the gift and giving it as the expression of love.
But what of the person who says, "I'm not a gift giver. I didn't receive many gifts growing up. I never learned how to select gifts. It doesn't come naturally for me." Congratulations, you have just made the first discovery in love. You and your spouse speak different love languages. Now that you have made that discovery, get on with the business of learning your second language. If your spouse's primary love language is receiving gifts, you want to become a gift giver.
For you it may not mean that much, but for the other it may mean the world.
Acts of service
For some, their love language consists of "acts of service." By acts of service, we mean doing things you know your spouse would like you to do. You seek to please her by serving her, to express your love for her by doing things for her.
Consider actions such as cooking a meal, setting a table, emptying the dishwasher, vacuuming, changing the baby's diaper, picking up a prescription, keeping the car in operating condition — they are all acts of service. They require thought, planning, time, effort and energy. They are expressions of love.
Physical touch
We have long known that physical touch is a way of communicating emotional love. Numerous research projects in the area of child development have made that conclusion: Babies who are held, stroked and kissed develop a healthier emotional life than those who are left for long periods of time without physical contact.
Physical touch is also a powerful vehicle for communicating marital love. For some individuals, physical touch is their primary love language. Without it, they feel unloved. With it, their emotional tank is filled, and they feel secure in the love of their spouse.
Thus might require little time but much thought, especially if physical touch is not your primary love language and if you did not grow up in a "touching family." Touching your spouse as you walk through the room where he is sitting takes only a moment. Touching each other when you leave the house and again when you return may involve only a brief kiss or hug but will speak volumes to your spouse.
In Judaism
Is it not, then, fascinating, that the Torah described a marriage as consisting of “five voices.” A voice represents a “language,” a form of communication. A good marriage is comprised of all five voices. We must ensure that all the love languages of our spouses, and of our children, are understood and acted upon.
But here we come to the next fascinating step. The Torah is also given in “five voices.” The giving of the Torah was a marriage—between the Creator and creation. How do we marry G-d? How is it possible for two completely separate worlds to meet? This is where the kolos come in, the “sounds”, the “voices”; the only way to reach out across infinity to truly connect with another, to initiate any relationship, is through the extraordinary gift of communication. The kol, then refers to communication. And, just as in a marriage, there are “five love languages,” five voices that make up the body of Judaism.
To remarkable degree, the above modes of communication may be found within Judaism as well.
Affirmation
The most literal language of love, the most obvious mode of expression, is words. Some might say that “talk is cheap.” Some might say that “sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me.” But that is an error. The awesome power of the spoken word is beyond dispute. When King Solomon, the wisest of all men, declared in Proverbs that “Life and death are in the hands of the tongue.”[2] And he knew what he was talking about. The Talmud[3] explains that a negative word can be even more dangerous the sword; the sword, after all, can only hurt a person at close range, while a few disparaging remarks can destroy a person, or an entire group of people, from afar. After all, G-d brought the entire cosmos into being with just a few utterances! G-d created the world with words; we, too, can build people with words, and we can destroy them with words.
Verbal affirmations of a spouse, even if it is not heartfelt in the deepest way, can be the most simple things: “You look fantastic today,” “I really enjoy spending our weekends together,” “That tie looks great on you,” or “Thank you so much for taking care of the kids. You are such a special father.” “I feel like you can change the world.” There’s nothing flowery or flashy in those simple statements of sentiment. But by expressing those feelings regularly, we can help build our loved ones, make them feel valued, appreciated, and loved. If this is the love language of your spouse, not giving it to him or her is really starving him or her in the marriage. It is oxygen for the relationship.
Where do we find this kind of verbal affirmation in Jewish practice? Where don’t we find it? Judaism is all about expressing thanks, and affirming gratitude. We have an entire prayer – Hallel – that serves to do just that. And what about the countless blessings we recite through the day? When we wake, we offer the simplest, purest prayer of all – Modeh Ani – thank you, G-d, for giving me soul back to me for another day. We have a blessing for getting dressed, for being able to walk, for being able to see. Before we eat, whether it’s a banana, a sandwich, or a cup of coffee, we thank G-d for providing us with these simple pleasures, and ditto for once we’re finished eating. When we go to the bathroom, we offer thanks for the miraculous and mysterious workings of the human body.
It is amazing. G-d, in His infinite presence, desired a genuine relationships with each of us. And hence, he made Himself “vulnerable” in that relationship. He wants us and therefore he needs us. So what is true in our relationship with our spouse, is true in our relationship with G-d. G-appreciates our “words of affirmation.” They mean the world to Him.[4]
Spending Time
Expressing love doesn’t have to entail saying something, or even doing something. Some people just want to spend quality time with their partner, just chilling, and hanging out. In fact, sometimes having to “do” something can compromise the quality of the time spent together. You don’t have to go out of the house, to go travelling, or to a concert. Spending quality time together means just being with our spouse, giving him or her undivided attentions, listening to how their day went, speaking things over, and looking at them as they talk. Going for a walk, or having dinner together, whether at home or at a restaurant, are wonderful ways to spend quality time together. In our distracted, fast-paced age, being able to give your time to someone in that way – without looking at a device, checking the news, or going shopping – is a gift of inestimable value.
This, too, is a corner stone of Judaism. G-d loves spending time with you.
“Open up an opening for me an opening the size of the hole of a needle,” G-d says to the Jewish people. What does this mean?
The Lubavitcher Rebbe explained:
דער אויבערשטער זאגט א אידן: גיב מיר מערניט ווי פינף מינוט. אבער די פינף מינוט זאלן זיין נאר מיינע!
“G-d says, give me only five minutes of your day (a very short time as the needle hole). But those five minutes should belong only to Me!”
Spending two hours with your wife, but you are on the phone a whole time, is meaningless. Spending 5 minutes with her, but there is nothing in the world but her, can mean the world to her.
This is the very concept of Shabbos. G-d wants to spend “quality time” with us. But it is more. Judaism encourages us to take these kinds of “quality time” opportunities on a much more frequent basis. The mitzvah of Torah study, just like the daily prayers, are intended to afford exactly that kind of opportunity. Each day, we take time to spend time with G-d. For no other purpose than just spending time with our Creator.
The Gift of Giving
Many people also need more tangible expressions of love. Their love language is giving and receiving gifts. The pleasure of receiving a gift from a loved isn’t really about how much the present itself is worth. It could be anything from a surprise bouquet of flowers to a pair of earrings. Oftentimes the point isn’t even the gift, but the giving. Just the thought that a loved one took the time to actually think about something to buy, and how to get it, is a gift in and of itself. That is its own kind of language; its own way of expressing care, thoughtfulness, and love.
In Temple times, some sacrifices were simply described as a “gift”, a Mincha. G-d, in his absolute perfection, desired to receive gifts. It means the world to Him. G-d does not care about the objective value or size of the offering: When describing the various kinds of voluntary offerings, when it comes to the humble flour offering (mincha) the Torah speaks of the “soul who brings a meal offering to the Lord.”[5] Why, here, does the Torah use the word “soul” instead of the expected “person”, or odom? Rashi explains:[6]
ונפש כי תקריב: לא נאמר נפש בכל קרבנות נדבה אלא במנחה, מי דרכו להתנדב מנחה, עני, אמר הקב"ה מעלה אני עליו כאלו הקריב נפשו.
Who usually donates a meal-offering? A poor man [because flour is less expensive than birds or animals]. [Hence,] the Holy One Blessed is He, says: “I account if for him as if he has sacrificed his very soul!”
The point is not how much he gives, but that he wants to give. Today we continue to give gifts to G-d through tzedakah, giving charity. When you give ten percent of your earning to charity, these are all “gifts” that demonstrate the important place that G-d and Judaism occupy in your heart and minds.
Acts of Service
There is yet another kind of love language. Giving gifts is wonderful. Some people, however, especially appreciate when a spouse actually does something for them. Sometimes, a phone call to the florist, or a making a few clicks on Amazon, can seem a little superficial, but they mean everything to your spouse.
In Judaism we have a concept called Avodah, which literally means “acts of service.” In Temple times, the “avoda” represented the concept of sacrifice, and until today it represents our sacrifices that we do for the sake of truth and for G-d.
As Jews, we perform acts of service. We do things, or abstain from things, because we are serving G-d.
What transforms the activity of dishwashing or cooking, from a mundane matter of housekeeping into a “language of love?” it is the recognition of the effort and sacrifice behind the task. What makes an act of service special is that it means that a loved one is giving up something, putting their own interests and indulgences aside on behalf of the person they love.
That is an incredibly profound gesture. And it even builds the love more. This is perhaps most evident in the love parent feels towards their child: As, the psychologist and philosopher Alison Gopnik has observed, “It’s not so much that we care for children because we love them as that we love them because we care for them.”
This aspect of sacrifice is of course central to the life of a Jew. It is the work of prayer, self- refinement, self-discipline, inner work, and various sacrifices we make for G-d.
To Touch
Finally, we come to the crucial language of physical touch. Even holding hands, or an embrace, can be an electrifying communicator of love.
The 20th century American psychologist Harry Harlow demonstrated the awesome power of physical affection in a controversial but devastatingly effective experiment. Working at the University of Wisconsin in the 1950s and ‘60s, Harlow took a group of infant rhesus monkeys and separated them from their mothers. He made sure that they were safely housed, warm, and had all their nutrition needs were taken care of, and also provided inanimate “surrogate mothers”, that were essentially life-like models made out either wire or terry cloth. When these baby monkeys were frightened, they would rush over to “cloth mothers,” and were instantly soothed by the soft feel of the fabric. However, those rhesus infants that had been given the cold, hard “wire mothers” received no such comfort, and could only inconsolably shake in terror. Over time, deprived of a mother’s soft touch – even though they had everything else – they became deeply traumatized. Harlow referred to this soft touch “contact comfort.”
In a review of a book on Harlow, anthropologist Barbara Smuts offers a similar story:
While studying wild baboons in Kenya, I once stumbled upon an infant baboon huddled in the corner of a cage at the local research station. A colleague had rescued him after his mother was strangled by a poacher's snare. Although he was kept in a warm, dry spot and fed milk from an eyedropper, within a few hours his eyes had glazed over; he was cold to the touch and seemed barely alive. We concluded he was beyond help. Reluctant to let him die alone, I took his tiny body to bed with me. A few hours later I was awakened by a bright-eyed infant bouncing on my stomach. My colleague pronounced a miracle. ''No,'' Harry Harlow would have said, ''he just needed a little contact comfort.''[7]
This is awesome power of physical touch. A person can have everything, gifts to fill rooms, and service to provide anything they want, but if their spouse is physically distant, it can feel as though they have nothing in their marriage.
To Touch the Divine
Likewise, the importance of the physical dimension receives central billing within Judaism, with its constant focus on the physical performance of Mitzvos. The Eastern religions focus much on meditation, reflection and mindfulness. Judaism dedicates much space to mindfulness. But in Judaism there is a major focus on physical actions, in the physical world.
A person can contemplate the loftiest subjects, dedicate mind and heart to the service of G-d;
but until he actually wraps some painted cow hides and parchment around his arm, he has not fulfilled the awesome Mitzvah of Tefillin. The same is true with eating matzah, blowing shofar, giving tzedakah, lighting Shabbos candles and fixing a mezuzah on your door.
What are these about? G-d in His infinity wanted to have a “tangible” relationship with Him. But how can we “touch” the Divine? S- G-d gave us the 613 Mitzvos through which we “touch G-d.”
We Need All Five
Just a healthy marriage relies on the five languages of love – affirmation, time, giving, service, and touch – so does the momentous marriage of the Jewish people with G-d find fulfillment in five languages of divine connection – in words of affirmation, the quality time of Shabbos, Torah study and prayer, the giving gifts to the poor, the Avodah of service and sacrifice, and the physicality of Mitzvos.
In 1991, a Jew from Worcester visited the Lubavitcher Rebbe at the Machane Israel Development fund meeting. He lamented that his 88 year old father was old and sick and now he could not go to synagogue anymore, which was his last joy. He now felt lonely and worthless. What could he do for his father?
And the Rebbe, who was 89 at the time, responded:
Every time a Jew does a Mitzvah he generates a delight in G-d. Imagine! A mortal, small, finite human being performing a single deed has an impact on G-d Himself. So every time your father does any mitzvah—like putting on tefilin or giving charity—he is achieving the most extraordinary feat! He is causing pleasure to G-d.
- Comment
Class Summary:
There is a fascinating teaching in the Talmud: By bringing joy to a bride and a groom, which Jeremiah described in five voices, we merit the wisdom of Torah which was also transmitted via five voices.
But this does not seem to make sense. What is the connection between the two? Also, what are these voices, or sounds? And why five?
Is it possible that an idea introduced to our world only in 1995 was being intimated in the Talmud 1700 years earlier?
Gary Chapman is a world renowned marriage therapist. After many years of counseling it was obvious to him that couples were missing each other when one would say, “I feel like he/she doesn’t love me.” And the other would say, “I don’t know what else to do. I try to show her that I love her.” He heard this pattern over and over again. He noticed that the trust, passion, excitement in so many relationships has eroded, because deep down there was a lack of love. So, he went through 12 years of notes that he had made when counseling couples and asked the question: When someone said, I feel like my spouse doesn’t love me, what did they want? What were they complaining about? Their answers fell into 5 categories. He called them the 5 love languages; five ways that people speak and understand emotional love.
Is it not, then, fascinating, that the Torah described a marriage as consisting of “five voices.” A voice represents a “language,” a form of communication. A good marriage is comprised of all five voices.
The Torah is also given in “five voices.” The giving of the Torah was a marriage—between the Creator and creation. How do we marry G-d? How is it possible for two completely separate worlds to meet? This is where the kolos come in, the “sounds”, the “voices”; the only way to reach out across infinity to truly connect with another, to initiate any relationship, is through the extraordinary gift of communication. The kol, then refers to communication. And, just as in a marriage, there are “five love languages,” five voices that make up the body of Judaism.
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