Parshas Chayei Sara 5771

Rabbi YY Jacobson

• October 29, 2010
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• 21 Cheshvan 5771
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  What Comes First: Love or Marriage?

  Abraham, Isaac and Jacob: The Morning, Dusk, and Evening of Judaism

  Rabbi YY Jacobson

  • October 29, 2010

  The Flower

  Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."
  
  He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"
  
  Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's self-rising, isn't it?"
  
  The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here.

  Dinner

  "Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."

  "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"

  "I know all that."

  “Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"

  "Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."

  Isaac and Rebecca

  The first Jewish marriage recorded in the Torah is the one between Isaac and Rebecca. It is also the first time the Torah tells of the love between a man and a woman. “And Isaac took Rebecca, she became his wife, and he loved her.” [1]

  After creating the first man, Adam, G-d says: [2] “therefore man should leave his father and mother and and cleave (vidovak) to his wife and they shall become one flesh.” Yet cleaving implies primarily a physical relationship; love is an intense emotional bond. And it is mentioned first not by Adam and Eve, not even by Abraham and Sarah, but only by Isaac and Rebecca.

  Now, the commitment and relationship between Abraham and Sarah was certainly loving. Sarah made many a sacrifice for Abraham, and conversely. Abraham refused to cohabit with her maid Hagar only after she insisted that he does. Abraham listened to Sarah’s advice even when he personally disagreed with it. Sarah risked her life for Abraham numerous times when she said she was his sister and not his wife. She abandoned her family in order travel with him toward a new destiny. Yet the Torah first uses the word 'ahava,' which means ‘love’, is reserved for Isaac.

  What is unique about the marriage of Isaac and Rebecca that is expressed in this poignant verse? Why was this sort of description never again used anywhere in the Tanach, in the entire Bible?

  Jacob loves Rachel too, the Torah tells us. [3] But there it is before he married her: “And Jacob Loved Rachel, and he said [to her father]: “I will work for you for seven years for your youngest daughter Rachel.” Where by Isaac first he marries Rebecca, and only then he loves her. What is the difference?

  Another interesting fact about the Torah’s depiction of Isaac and Rebecca’s marriage is that there is never any friction recorded. And not that there was no opportunity! On the contrary, the Torah states, that Rebecca loved Jacob, while Isaac loved Essay; [4]and it was Rebecca who instructed her son Jacob to obtain the blessing from his father instead of Esau. [5] They could have easily gotten into a feisty quarrel. But they did not.

  Again this is different than Abraham and Jacob. Sarah tells Abraham, “I am angry at you.” [6] Rachel too has a difficult moment with her husband. She complains to Jacob about her childlessness, saying “give me children.” “And Jacob becomes angry at Rachel, saying ‘Am I in the place of G-d?”[7]

  But between Isaac and Rebecca, no expression of friction is ever recorded.

  Dawn and Darkness

  This tale of the three marriages will be understood based on what the Talmud tells us:[8] Abraham instituted shacharis, the morning prayer; Isaac instituted the afternoon prayer, mincha; and Jacob instituted the evening prayer, maariv.

  What is the difference between these three prayers in the morning, afternoon, and evening? Why do we have in Judaism three daily prayers—not one, two, or four, or even five? (Mohammed instituted five daily prayers for Muslims, mimicking our Yom Kippur model. Perhaps when you have so many sins, you need Yom Kippur every day…)  

  Morning is new, fresh, and pure. As a new day emerges, we have this sense (at least till we get to the office and deal with the same old spaghetti) that new possibilities are beaconing upon us. As the first rays of light cast their glow on our horizon, a new dawn brakes in our imagination as well. Morning brings with it a new glimmer of hope, a new frontier to conquer, a fresh start. Rabbi Schnuer Zalman of Liadi writes: When a person awakes, he or she feels instinctively a sense of happiness and hope. [9]  

  This was Abraham: He embodied the morning of Judaism, bringing the dawn of a new era to earth. He opened humanity to a new reality, a new vision, a new light. He heralded a novel, fresh, invigorating message. The world is not a hopeless jungle; it is a Divine palace, Abraham declared. Humanity is not a helpless folk subjected to the whims of competing gods, but part of a single narrative, united in the image of a moral Creator. Abraham’s message: there was grandeur in existence, purpose in history, meaning in life.

  Who was Abraham? “Abraham woke up early in the morning to the place where he stood previously,” the Torah states. [10] Then again, when he is instructed to bring his son to Mt. Moriah, “Abraham woke up in the morning.” With Abraham, morning comes to civilization, after a long and dark night. Abraham was the master of the inspiration of mornings; he instituted the shacharis prayer, topping into the shacharis energy, when you stretch out your arms and embrace a new day.

  Evening is a time of rest and relaxation at the culmination of a long day. It is a time when we are free to spend our time as we really want to, with whom we really want to. It is a time of quiet and solitude, reflection, romance, dreams, and moonlight love. The kingdom of night is full of mystique and drama. Some people love morning; others come alive at night. Some people here in shul, at 10PM, they turn into pumpkins; others start thinking at that hour…

  Jacob was a man of night. He was the master of the “maariv” energy. As he told his uncle and employer Laban, [11] “I ate the night’s frost, sleep was driven from my eyes,” for twenty years. Jacob was the one alone at night when he confronted and fought an adversary and earned the name Israel. “Jacob remained alone and a man fought with him till the brake of dawn.” [12] Jacob was the one who “encountered the place, because the sun had set.” [13] He then dreams of a ladder ascending to heaven and angels ascending and ascending upon it. Jacob’s life was characterized by the drama, romance, darkness, and turbulence of night. 

  Morning and evening are conducive for prayer, for communication with G-d, with the inner heartbeat of life. In morning we feel hopeful and inspired; in the evening we feel relaxed, grateful, or consumed by the grandeur of nightlife. Morning and night are spiritual in nature. Sunset and sunrise point us to the transcendental nature of existence.

  Afternoon, Oy

  But then you got the afternoons. Oy vey. Help me.

  Afternoon is smack in the middle of the headache and aggravation that is our jobs. As late afternoon arrives, life often feels dreary and monotonous. It is the office at 4 o'clock. I missed the bank, I got to deal with a nudnik on the phone, an angry boss, and employees filled with shtik. It is the rat race and grueling monotony of day to day life. Routine, schedules, and the same thing over, and over, and over. We are tired, exhausted and can’t wait to get out of the office.

  If you are lucky enough to be a house mom, afternoons come with their own stress: the kids are returning from school, dinner is not made, you have a headache, you need a nap; you are not in the mood… you lack the freshness of morning and the sweet relaxation of night.

  What is the energy that beacons us during those afternoons at the desk? Where is the spiritual heartbeat of the exhausting afternoons?

  The Story of Isaac

  Ah, that is the “Isaac” of Jewish life.

  This was the time of Isaac.

  Isaac’s life was not nearly as colorful as either his father's or his son’s. Unlike his father Abraham, he did not wage and win wars, he did not travel extensively, he was never a world celebrity; he was not a founder of a new movement, a new nation, a new lifestyle. He did not have the name of a “revolutionary” like Abraham. Nor did his life contain the drama of Jacob: he did not escape his brother, he did not fight in middle of the night, he did not fall in love with a Rachel, and then experienced deceit; he did not lose his son to a wild animal only to discover that his son became the Prime Minister of the Superpower of the time.

  Isaac lived in one location, and he never even left Israel. He lived a simple life. The only thing the Torah really tells us about his personal life is that he was almost sacrificed on Mt. Moriah. After that? He basically grew wheat and dug wells.

  But if Isaac’s life lacks the grandeur and excitement of Abraham and Jacob, Isaac represents the essence and foundation of Judaism: The daily consistent and unwavering commitment to G-d and His work. Abraham was a revolutionary, he cast a new light on the world, but Isaac created the vessels to contain, internalize the light. Day-in, day-out. Isaac dug the wells of Judaism: he went deeply into himself and revealed the living wellsprings of faith and commitment. Isaac’s silence ought not to be confused with passivity; it was rather internalization. Isaac knew that revolutions and PR games can last for a few decades, but if you do not internalize the message, it will fade away.

  Isaac is the founder of the “mincha” of Judaism. As the Torah states, “And Isaac went out to meditate in the field at dusk.” [14] Isaac tapped into the spiritual energy of the “boring afternoons”, showing us that a relationship to G-d does not consist only of the spontaneous exuberant morning inspiration, or of the drama and romance of night. Rather, a relationship with G-d is expressed even more profoundly in the daily commitment and sacrifices we make for truth, goodness, holiness. He is the Father who gives us this internal resilience and strength to bring G-d into the most dull and tedious areas of our life.

  It is afternoon in your office. You leave everything behind and you stand up to daven “mincha,” to connect with G-d. You are busy and cannot concentrate yet you take time out and try to break out of Wall Street to focus on a G-d that somehow creates Wall Street. You are torn between two worlds, yet you attempt to bridge them both—here is where the power of Isaac lay, the still small voice of dedication that never changes.

  Isaac’s ‘Afternoon’ Marriage

  Marriage, too, has these three components: the morning, the night and the dusk.

  When we meet our soul mate, a new dawn descends on our lives. We are overtaken by the newness and freshness of the experience. We are excited, inspired, full of hope of what our future will be like together. (Remember those days of engagement? Of the honeymoon?). This is the “Abraham” of marriage, the “shacharis” of a relationship.

  Marriage has also those special moments of moonlight and romance. The passion and drama that comes with the mystery of night, with the mystery of discovering the untold layers of depth in our spouses; the special passion that night—in all of its meanings—can bring to a marriage. This is the “maariv,” the Jacob of marriage.

  But then there is the “mincha” of marriage—the simple, unromantic, non-dramatic, commitment to each other. Holding hands together in the roller-a-coaster of life: in difficult times, as well in lovely times; in times of agreement and unity, and in times of disagreement and struggle. It is the sense of internal loyalty. Without the fanfare and the romance.

  And this creates a unique type of love. There is the love born out of newness and drama; this is the love that precedes marriage. You fall in love with your new partner, you are overwhelmed by this new light in your life. But there is the love that is born out of commitment and dedication.  From journeys through life with another person, holding hands, never running from each other. Remaining present, accountable, responsible. This love can never be experiences before marriage, only afterward. This was Isaac’s love. It’s the “mincha” love.

  That is why the Torah states: “And Isaac took Rebecca, she became his wife, and he loved her.” [15] First Isaac marries her, and only then does he come to love her. The more they were married, the more Isaac loved her.

  What is the difference between the two loves?

  In the first love, born out of the drama and the neness of the relationship, the shorter we are married, the more the love; the longer we are married, the more difficult to love. We get bored, uninterested. In the latter Isaac-type love, it is converse: the longer we are married, the deeper the love. The love becomes like a deep well dug in the depths of the earth.

  The first Jewish marriage described in Torah is the one of Isaac and Rebecca to teach us one of the most important principles in marriage: it cannot happen only as a result of passion and romance, for this can easily fade away; but rather  as a result of good judgment and sound reason, an appreciation of the inner, enduring qualities and values of the other person.

  [Hence, the halachik insistence on no relations before marriage: this ensures that the couple decides to get married not based on physical attraction alone, which may change, but with an appreciation of the character trains, inner personality and values of the other person—for this will not change with the years. When men get physically involved, they usually become intoxicated and are too subjective to really study the personality of their girl friend.]

  Our culture knows how to pray “shacharis” and “maariv.” We desperately need the discover the secret of “mincha.”

   

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  [1] Genesis 24:67

  [2] Ibid. 2:24

  [3] Ibid. 29:18

  [4] Ibid. 25:28

  [5] Ibid. ch. 27

  [6] Ibid. 16:5

  [7] Ibid. 30:2

  [8] Berachot 26b

  [9] See Maamarei Admur Hazaken Haktzarim p. 553.

  [10] Ibid. 19: 27

  [11] Ibid. 31:40

  [12] Ibid. 32:25

  [13] Gen 28:11

  [14] Ibid. 24:63

  [15] Ibid. 24:67
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