• Anonymous -8 months ago

  This is AMAZING!

  As a child I had this experience. I wish my parents would've watched this and done this for me.

  Every parent should listen to this again and again until it's all IN THEIR BONES. You will lessen your children's feeling of loneliness and heal their pain instead of aggravating it. 

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• Anonymous -1 year ago

  Thank you 

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• S

  salomon -1 year ago

  Is it not possible that yidiskait is to hard for tham its to much for them

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• ATP

  A thankful parent -2 years ago

  I owe a tremendous thank you to the whole team which made the 3 hour show happen. Especially to R Shimon who spent the wee hours of the morning riding the waves of his emotions while he so eloquently fostered new understandings and feelings in the hearts of his fellow Yidden!
  I considered myself a good parent, with obviously, room for growth. Nonetheless, after attaining a renewed understanding, my spouse didn’t help but notice how suddenly the atmosphere of the home is much more relaxed! When the children bicker, instead of stopping them, I now only focus on what’s causing them to act that way… Just the validation and attention is enough to melt the feud away.Whenever something more exciting/aggravating comes my way, I think “Either I can successfully parent this scenario from inside out, or, if I don’t yet have the required tools, I’ll just step back and let this wave ride over me. Hopefully next time such a complex scenario occurs, I'll have the correct tools required.” 
  I really think this concept will set a marker; chinuch before seeing this show, and chinuch after.
  Thanks again from myself, my family, and all other listeners.

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• K

  Kayla -2 years ago

  Thank you rabbi Russell! It was phenomenal! What you said was crystal clear. I think people who understood you incorrectly basically have their mehalech set in stone and it's "traumatic " for them to do the 180 necessary 

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• CH

  CN Halpern -2 years ago

  Also the inyan of parents respecting their children is not something new. Rashi in Brochos 45b explains the Gemoro so! As follows:

  הראני אחד מידידי הרב בראנד שליט"א הגר כעת פה במאנשסתר יצ"ו מילה אחד בדברי רש"י - בפירוש סיפור בגמ' ברכות, שאמנם כן הוא הדרך הנכון - שיש ענין מיוחד לאבא לכבד בנו. ואף לחכות עבור הבן לכבדו עי"ז. הנהגה שנשמע ששייך לעולם המדרני... בא ונשמע הסיפור המופיע בגמ' ברכות דף מ"ה עמוד ב'.

  הסיפור סובב אודות האמורא הקדוש "רב פפא", ואחד מבניו בשם "אבא-מרי" (המוכרים לנו מסיום מסכתא שמזכירים השמות של עשר בנים שלו). פעם קרה שאכלו יחד לחם עם עוד בן-אדם, באופן שהיו חייבים לברך בזימון. וההלכה הוא שכאשר שנים מהם רוצים כבר לברך ברכת המזון, היחיד חייב להפסיק מלאכול עד שגומרים לברך הברכה ראשונה "ברכת הזן", ואח"כ יכול להמשיך ולגמור סעודתו. משא"כ אם רק אחד רוצה לברך, אין השנים אחרים חייבים להפסיק מלאכול, והיחיד נגרר אחרי הרבים.ושואל הגמרא על ההלכה הזאת, שהרי רב פפא והבן-אדם השני הפסיקו מלאכול בכדי ש"אבא-מרי" (בנו של רב פפא) יוכל לברך ברכת המזון? ולמה הפסיק הרי בנו היה רק יחיד?!ותירוץ הגמרא שרב פפא הלך לפנים משורת הדין. זאת אומרת אה"נ מן הדין היה יכול להמשיך לאכול, ובנו יחכה עבורו, מ"מ רב פפא היה לו חשבון לעשות לפנים משורת הדין, והפסיק בכדי שבנו שהיה יחיד יוכל לברך מיד. וכאן באים להמילה ברש"י - מילה אחד! רש"י בא לפרש מה היה הענין של לפנים משורת הדין, ורש"י מגלה לנו עומק כוונת רב פפא בהנהגתו, וזה לשונו "לאחשוביה" (-לכבדו)!!

  מרגניתא טבא מצינו כאן בדברי רש"י שכוונת רב פפא היה לכבד ולהיות מחשיב בנו! והיה כאן הנהגה של "לפנים משורת הדין", דהיינו שמצד הלכות זימון לא היה מחויב לעשות כן, ומ"מ עשהו רב פפא מצד חשבון להיות מכבד בנו.

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• CH

  CN Halpern -2 years ago

  This is not a new approach - but something Chazal address clearly!

  Please see the words of the Poisek Hador Hagoan Reb Shmuel Vozner זצוק"ל the esteemed בעל שבט הלוי printed in קובץ מבית לוי קובץ י"ז 

  וכה דבריו שם:"לסיום יש לעורר על נקודה חשובה ביותר, האיך ניתן לשמור על הקשר הטוב והבריא בין אב לבניו ובין הבנים לתלמידיהם.." ומביא שם מדרש נפלא בילקוט שמעוני (תהלים קמ"ד, י') שנחלקו ר' יוחנן וריש לקיש בביאור הפסוק שם "אלופינו מסובלים אין פרץ ואין יוצאת ואין צווחה ברוחובתינו" שבגמ' (ברכות י"ז) דורש פסוק זה על עניני חינוך שלא יהא בן או תלמיד שמקדיח תבשילו ברבים, ובמדרש שם איתא "ר' יוחנן אמר, אלופינו "סובלים" אין כתיב כאן אלא "מסובלים", בשעה שהקטנים סובלים את הגדולים, הילדים, הדורות הצעירים סובלין ושמועים את הגדולים ואינם אומרים להם איך אתם יכולים להוכיח אותנו, הרי אתם מהדור הקודם, הדור הישן, ואינכם מבינים את דורינו. וריש לקיש מסרס קרא בשעה שהגדולים סובלים את הקטנים, כלומר, אימתי הקטנים מקבלים תוכחתם של הגדולים, זה מפני שהגדולים גם הם סובלים את נפש הקטנים"

  "אהובי ורבותי, ברעיון זה מונח כל מפתח החינוך של הבית היהודי, על הקטנים לדעת ולהכיר שהוריהם ומוריהם, מדריכיהם והמשפיעים שלהם מבינים יותר טוב מהם, זהו קטנים סובלים את הגדולים, אך על הגדולים להבין את נפש בניהם ובנותיהם, גדולים סובלים את הקטנים". עכ"ד.ל

   וממשיך שם בעל שבט הלוי זי"ע להוכיח כן גם מגמרא מפורשת, ואלו דבריו "איתא בגמ' (עירובין נג.) ר' יוחנן אמר י"ב תלמידים היו לו ורבי אושעיא ברבי וי"ח ימים גידלתי ביניהן, ולמדתי לב כל אחד ואחד וחכמת כל אחד ואחד. בבחינה זו צריך להיות כל אב כלפי ילדיו, הוא צריך ללמוד היטב את לב ונפש בניו ובנותיו, וכן החיוב על הילדים כלפי הוריהם, להכיר, להבין, ולראות שרצונם וכוונתם של ההורים הוא לשם שמים ולטובת הילדים. אלופינו מסובלים בשעה שהקטנים סובלים את הגדולים, ובשעה שהגדולים סובלים את הקטנים – עכ"ל.

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• א

  אריאלה -2 years ago

  putting limits does not mean not loving, it means loving

  and it has to be done in a loving manner while feeling the LOVE in the heart

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• Anonymous -2 years ago

  Firstly greatest thank you for all you do for these precious neshamos.
   i heard you speak.
   I  heard the authenticity.
   I saw you get emotional about the pain of the children .
  And i cried along.  I was that child.
  My son is in first year mesivta and being barely  “tolerated “ by a yeshiva that made a last minute class for” shvach“  boys that didn’t have any yeshivain june.
   I decided on the spot that I need to come to the Shabbon to have a few moments to speak with you.
  To be in the presence of a real, feeling, compassionate, humble human being.

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• Anonymous -2 years ago

  Thank You for the wonderful speech! I feel it's crucial to discuss the parents who "did not get" this loving approach, and are deeply affected by it in a real serious way (Ex: Emotional neglect, abandonment trauma etc. and are yearning and mourning for that love, caring, compliments, seeing etc. all the "S" they still didn't get), I know that this class was not focused on this part, but a lot of times there are great speeches but it misses the practical part of it, how to put in to action, so then the listeners try to implement the ideas but they get stuck, so in this case when most of "the parents who need to do this work are themselves struggling" then the implementation hits a wall, I know a lot of time the answer will be "go to therapy", but its not in touch with the reality of 80% people in therapy, who work and work and it takes years to make real real progress, so this class told the "struggling parent generation" to use a method they themselves are struggling with, So to really make this new change happen please give a class on the parents who need to do this work, and they themselves are struggling with this same thing you are asking them to do.

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• YYJ

  Yosef Yitzchak Jacobson -2 years ago

  In response to a letter:

  First, thanks so much for sharing your feedback, earnestly and candidly. I appreciate it very much.
  Second, Thanks so so much for all you have done and do for all of our beloved children, as an educator and mentor, and a role model. May Hashem bless you with all the beracha and hatzlacha.
  If I may clarify what I heard him say, here I beg to differ respectfully. I did not hear Rabbi Russel bash the schools. In fact, he spoke of the misiras nefesh of our teachers and educators. He spoke of the schools as our bedrock and foundation.
  As he stated numerous times, in the perspective he was sharing, we are NOT shifting AWAY from rules, structure & discipline. On the contrary, we are simply recognizing that it is growing harder & harder to administer them, if we DON'T shift to a more loving approach that CLEARLY shows our kids that we are administering them for the SOLE INTEREST OF THE CHILD. The traditional approach of withdrawing love as a means of disciplining etc, IS FAILING THE BULK OF OUR CHILDREN! Over 32 years, he has seen around 10,000 children and teenagers from the frum world, struggling with life and Torah. He was sharing his observations of 32 years dealing with 10,000 of our children, in an intimate way. He was sharing that in today's world, for most of the children, feeling safe, secure, soothed, and seen, feeling understood, appreciated, valued, and deeply loved and connected, is the FOUNDATION FOR ALL CHINUCH, for all yiras shamayim and ahavas hatorah.
  Without it, we can teach and teach, and discipline, and do everything holy, yet we will lose most of our children, either in a revealed way or in a concealed way. I am also a teacher -- of older students. I loved every word he said; it so resonated. And it gave me the feeling of how much amazing incredible good I can do for my students on a daily basis. I can change their lives; I can turn them into amazing incredible human beings and Jews, leaders, empowered giants, giants of spirituality, of Yiddishkeit, of Torah, of Ahavas Yisroel and Ahavas Hashem, I can literally transform their lives into something extraordinary. I thought it was such an empowering message for teachers -- of how much we can achieve if we emotionally connect with our children.
  You speak of the problems of technology. Of course, that was his point! Because of technology, THE ONLY POWER WE HAVE AGAINST it, is emotional connection. Because without it, they will run to "connect" to the internet, which is a fake connection. Precisely because of technology, we need to connect so much deeper. Just strict distant discipline without deep bonding will never rescue our youth from the perils of technology.
  You speak of the duty of teenagers. Of course. That was his point. So many of them are broken and can't even be responsible, as they are internally crippled. They do not even know they have any power or choice. Hence we need to give them back their soul and dignity so they CAN TAKE RESPONSIBILITY for their lives.
  That is how I took his words. I hope you can see his words in that light -- and realize how each and every day in the classroom, you, me, and all of us who teach can literally ignite hears with the infinite fire of Hashem.
  One point to ponder. I say this to myself all the time, so forgive me for sharing this with you as well: You heard him tearing apart the schools, though it was not his intention to, and he did not. Is it then possible that sometimes in the classroom you are hearing or seeing students as "rebellious," "chutzapdik," "disrespectful," "shameful," "modern," "spoiled," -- when in reality they are broken, begging for connection, and yearning to be understood?
  Maybe it is a good idea next time you see a teen or child misbehaving to be curious, instead of reaching a swift conclusion.
  I try to do this on a daily basis, it helps me grow so so much as a human being and as a teacher. I discussed my journey with this in a class for women, many of them educators, last week:https://www.theyeshiva.net/jewish/8355/womens-shemos-class-hes-not-defiant-hes-just-thirsty-dont-blame-just-be-curious
  I'd love your candid feedback.
  Again, thanks for your holy work, and much appreciated that you took the time to email us, and all berachos,

  Respectfully,
  YY Jacobson

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  • K

    Kayla -2 years ago

    Beautifully and perfectly and eloquently expressed, as usual. That was exactly how I heard it.

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• S

  shlomo -2 years ago

  would just like to thank you for the great drosho you gave on coach menachem really big fan of yours listen to you on torah anytime a lot.just a quick question i myself struggled in the school system a story that beats all the record (including a rebbi physically breaking my arm) and agree there needs to be change implemented however i am somehow worried that if we continue on this new mehalach we will be giving excuses to kids for their actions instead of like me and the other thousands of 60% kids who grew up and gained from our challenges is there some kind of balance?thanks will mean alot if you get back to me

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  • YYJ

    Yosef Yitzchak Jacobson -2 years ago

    from Rabbi Russell:

    Perhaps the writer misunderstood me. I stated numerous times that we are NOT shifting AWAY from rules, structure & discipline. On the contrary, we are simply recognizing that it is growing harder & harder to administer them if we DON'T shift to a more loving approach that CLEARLY shows our kids that we are administering them for the SOLE INTEREST OF THE CHILD.

    The traditional approach of withdrawing love as a means of disciplining etc, IS FAILING THE BULK OF OUR CHILDREN!

    ​Of course, it is not about excuses or not challenging; but it is about a child feeling safe, secure, soothed, and seen. would I want my kid not to have that so he can grow more?
    do you think a kid needs to feel unsafe so they can grow? To the contrary. 

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• Anonymous -2 years ago

  You spoke about giving the child a smartphone, eventhough it's like poisen, in order do keep the relationship.

  I can tell you from my own life experience, that it's better to give the child "real" poisen, than destroying the relationship.

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• Anonymous -2 years ago

  I am so pained by this video. That the " gedolim" haD  after the war such an idea that the structure was the focus and not the individual is insanity at shows how deep the galus was at the time 

  (and I will also add that my " gadol" the Rebbe did not float such an idea !!!)

  How in the world did this get said so cavalierly ???? 
  
  

  this should elicit ripping your lapel in mourning for  such leaders

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  • K

    Kayla -2 years ago

    You totally missed the point. You're probably too young to remember. Survival was paramount but not at the expense of the individual child. The Yeshivas then were ecstatic if anyone wanted to come and EVERYONE was welcomed. All different types and backgrounds in one class. Not like now they do you a huge favor if they let you in. And everyone grew from the diversity. Great people came out of that. Sure the teachers sometimes made mistakes. They weren't "master mechanchim" like supposedly they are now. But don't fault the gedolim that in our externally focused generation the system has devolved like this. That was never their intention.

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• Anonymous -2 years ago

  מדהים! מדוע לא מתרגמים את הדברים הללו לעיברית?

  זה ממש הצלת נפשות! בבקשה אם אפשרי שבכלל השיעורים ובפרט השיעור הזה יעשו תרגום בעיברית

  תודה תודה תודה

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• YF

  Yidel f -2 years ago

  Where is the rashi that asks about yaakov and Reuven?

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  • YYJ

    Yosef Yitzchak Jacobson -2 years ago

    The first Pasuk in Devarim.

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• I

  Inger -2 years ago

  My generation, born in the fifties, grew up knowing that we were both conceived of and born as unique, and that is really something. In 1973 the US supreme court redefined the early stages of human life into being "only a lump of cells", "comparable to a cluster of cancer-cells". In the middle eighties, the first only-a-lump-of-cellers began to develop into puberty. A domino effect may go on and on for quite a while. 

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• A

  adina -2 years ago

  Unconditional love vs enabling can you explain the difference?

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• L

  leah -2 years ago

  From the younger parents of young children, What can we do now to try to avoid in the future, our children to struggle?

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  • A

    Anonymous -2 years ago

    there is no hope for our future generation, send your kids to A good yeshivah and pray that they shouldn't have a hatred towards Judaism but a love for hashem!

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• Anonymous -2 years ago

  Listening to this amazing recording, I hear the question being asked "Why is this happening to our teens?"

  As a parent of children who struggled and at the risk of sounding like an anti Vax which I'm not, We noticed a change  come over some of our children when they were in 7th and 8th grade. 
  In retrospect, that is when the schools began to require them to get a series of shots-dtap, varicella, meningococcal, and some schools require more. For middle school attendance. 
  many of these shots cross the blood/brain barrier. At a very crucial time of puberty. 
  That is the connection we made. 
  and our younger children who did not receive those shots at that age did not seem to have those struggles.

  Could be contributing to the challenges this generation is facing. 

  just an observation. 
  
  

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• BM

  Batya Moller -2 years ago

  Was so inspiring and uplifting can I get lease have rabbi Russel email so I can ask him a personal question 

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• LP

  Leanne Praw -2 years ago

  Question for Rabbi YY

  How do we as parents ask the rabbeim to embrace this approach?

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• DMDSMN

  Devorah M-please don’t say my name -2 years ago

  Question for Rabbi YY

  How can I help my son who is in yeshiva where we live, but he skips days at a time and he admitted to me he has no motivation. He buries himself in playing chess? He is living with me (divorced from an abusive parent)

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• R

  Rifky -2 years ago

  Question for Rabbi YY

  the website addrss is thefsrc.com

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• R

  Rifka -2 years ago

  Question for Rabbi YY

  Please ask this question: What about Trauma that is created at home and that kids live in this home every day. Their Trauma is continuous... how can we help these children who have for example a narcasistic parent?

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  • Anonymous -2 years ago

    I would be interested in hearing the answer to this as well. 

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• R

  Rifky -2 years ago

  Question for Rabbi YY

  What about Sholom Bayis issues???

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• MB

  Mahjabeen Baloch -2 years ago

  Such a beautiful session and it teaches so much at so many levels thank you so much who arranged this session. 

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• ME

  Marsha Eiserman -2 years ago

  Question for Rabbi YY

  This is not a question, but more ideas. I am a 64 year old who grew up after the Holocaust. I learned in an out of town Bais Yaakov. We knew, each student knew we were precious. We are the ones to carry on the Torah and Yiddishkeit for the next generation. When my children attended school they were just a number. This was just basic schooling. The other thing missing now is that we were allowed to ask any questions. We were not looked at as going off the derech, but as thinking individuals who wanted answers. A third point, focus was more on haskofos than on another Ramban, etc. The next generation my girls were learning in middle school what I learned in high school and learning in high school what I was learning in seminary, but without all the hashkofos I learnt. A fourth point is that I was the Avraham Avinu whose father was Terach. No, I am not on the level of Avrohom and my parents are Jewish, but they were not frum. I was accepted as is, as someone important in this chain. And yes, I became frum in 2nd grade, attended seminary, my husband was in kollel for 8 years, etc.

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• MB

  Mahjabeen Baloch -2 years ago

  Question for Rabbi YY

  What of the teachers themselves are facing pressures of performance?

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• CMS

  Chaya Mushka Silberberg -2 years ago

  Question for Rabbi YY

  How can I help my 19 year old struggling son , as his mother who is still struggling with looking elsewhere for chizuk from my own trauma. ? How much can I share with him about my stuff in healthy boundary?

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• YB

  Yocheved Brazil -2 years ago

  Incredible

  Incredible insights. Let's hope there are a lot of mechanchim on here because it's so practical and makes so much sense 

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• Y

  Yedida -2 years ago

  Question for Rabbi YY

  When the kids who come late get the danish, but the kids who always show up don’t get special time and attention or prizes, sometimes it creates an environment where there is so much attention for negative behavior, those who show expected behaviors don’t get recognized. Many of my students who show up as expected tell me they feel unrecognized and unappreciated compared to those who always get attention, encouragement for small successes or understanding. What can we do to create a positive environment for all types of students?

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• C

  Charles -2 years ago

  Very helpful

  Thank you, my family really enjoied this tonight.

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• B

  Baila -2 years ago

  Question for Rabbi YY

  How open minded and accepting do we as parents need to be, to give the love as Jews even when they are extremely against us and Judaism.

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• CE

  Chaya E -2 years ago

  Brilliant idea, or create a group for trauma of the system

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• CDE

  Chaya D Eisenbach -2 years ago

  Question for Rabbi YY

  Can we discuss what's the solution for the system, creating change, bringing awareness to the moisdos of the long term of effects

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• MB

  Mrs Brownstein -2 years ago

  Question for Rabbi YY

  If I see my daughter struggling in a lot of ears am I supposed to be their for her or Continue to preach and make her upset but maybe one day she will understand

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• Anonymous -2 years ago

  I'm struggling with yiddishkeit, have so many questions in my head... I try to please my parents by not doing certain things and wearing stuff they approve of, yet they are not happy with me or love me... all I get is judgements. And that breaks my heart. I want to be good I want to be clear with myself and with yiddishkeit, can you please shed some light? 

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  • K

    Kayla -2 years ago

    That is REALLY hard! You are a gibor! No answer for you, just tremendous admiration 

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• S

  Shea -2 years ago

  Question for Rabbi YY

  Why is it that chabad bochurim “fry” out less

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  • Anonymous -2 years ago

    I am not chabbad but I know they teach Yiddish Keith with happiness & love they accept every1 no judgment. But they have a lot of struggling & on & off Derech too!

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• CE

  Chaya Eisenbach -2 years ago

  Question for Rabbi YY

  What about young adults in marriage struggling, not specifically in marriage, more within themselves. can it pls it be addressed Thank you

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• S

  Sarah -2 years ago

  Question for Rabbi YY

  We are dealing with a wonderful daughter who has Yiddishkeit issues . We are supporting her and guiding her with help . How do we support younger siblings who grow up watching their older sibling dress or do things we don’t necessarily value without them feeling resentment at having to dress tsnius for example when older sister doesn’t

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• A

  ADMIN -2 years ago

  To Participate Live via Zoom:
  https://us02web.zoom.us/j/645572066
  Zoom ID 645572066

  📞 929-205-6099 ID: 645572066##

  To Submit Questions:
  📬 [email protected]

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• D

  Daniel -2 years ago

  Question for Rabbi YY

  There is so much that's been addressed on this topic on the parenting side yet I've not seen any practical approach to our yeshivos on how to properly discipline and deal with the struggling students and yet keep their standards in place because the unconditional love approach could work well for parents but in the school system I didn't find someone have a plan on how to implament that while still serving the students that are not struggling as well. I think such an approach would be beneficial and take off a lot of the burden from the parents. I think in our days most yeshiva educators are willing to listen to a new approach.

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• BM

  Batya Moller -2 years ago

  Question for Rabbi YY

  What can I do to sport my son who has gone off without pushing him away and still show him how much I love him

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  • Anonymous -2 years ago

    Just love him leave the door open don't judge him don't k about religion with him 

    Reply to this comment.Flag this comment.

In Conversation: Rabbi YY & Rabbi Shimon Russell, LCSW

Rabbi YY Jacobson

• December 19, 2021
• |
• 15 Tevet 5782
• |
• 10199 views

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