• MS

  Miriam Shkolnikov -3 years ago

  How to send in questions

  Great series! Thank you! 

  Where can I submit questions for Part 3 of this series? Thank you! 

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• D

  Dinah -3 years ago

  Words Matter

  Rabbi, I listened to two of the available Podcasts on dating. They were excellent! So many important points made. It felt like a breath of fresh air compared to how the 'parshah' of shidduchim was viewed when I was growing up and remnants remain of the thinking in our bubbles.

  Literally, we were raised "vet nit shterin dem shiddiuh' and 'vet nit shaten dem shidduch', hoary words. I appreciate all of you who made this happen, I looked for Coach Menachem's email and others but did not find anything so sending this to you: I hope that is OK. I wanted to send it before the third episode which is for young women if it is not too late:

  Some feedback, if I may? We agree that language matters: If young people are ready to get married, we must stop calling them boys and girls--- a young woman and young man are the appropriate terminologies. I think it will raise the conversation with these words alone. All of the issues of control, coercion, manipulation of parents lose their edge when they think in terms of a Man or Woman instead of Boy or Girl. Yes? 

  
  Words matter: We must stop referring to "Broken homes"  "Broken family" "dysfunctional homes" etc. Bury the phrases. ('One/single parent home' is more descriptive and less judgmental, as a suggestion) 

  I was intrigued with the question of "should I tell my daughter that the man she is almost engaged to had a girlfriend from 16-18' or some version of that.  

  Nobody suggested that perhaps the daughter already knew this that maybe her attachment to the young man was such that he confided in her already. It was surprising that nobody thought to imagine that at that point they already had a level of privacy. For better or worse (sometimes couples keep things for each other and they should have told the parents. It would have been an interesting topic to go into. Like, do you know this? Did you want to share it? Why yes? Why no? When is privacy/(not secrecy) appropriate? ).

  You and the therapist made a strong statement at the onset about the value of the journey of being a young adult, even if it takes a long time to find your mate--- the time spent searching is valuable in and of itself.  

  Then when the question came up about siblings getting married out of order, younger before older--- the therapist said, "It is not ok for a sibling to stop their sibling from beginning their life"---- ouch.  

  One can talk until they are blue in the face about how the journey is valuable---- a refreshing message!  but when something like that slips out, the speaker becomes less trustworthy--- one wonders which are his true feelings? 

  Is it that the journey is of value? (positive message)or (as we were brought up on) Does life begin only when you are married? (hard message to swallow) 

  Pro tip: I have six daughters and knowing, from others, the mess made when sisters/siblings get married out of order and it is not handled well, I told my children from a very early age, "We know what order you were born in, but we don't know in what order you will get married --- that is Hashem's choice"--- pashut!

  My husband's family got married 2, 5, 3,4, 1, 7, 6,9, 10,11, 8--- and BH not where the trauma lives, at least! 

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Dating Series #2

Rabbi YY Jacobson

• March 22, 2021
• |
• 9 Nisan 5781
• |
• 1605 views

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