<p>This class was presented by Rabbi YY Jacobson, Sunday morning, on the postponed fast-day of 17-18 Tamuz 5766, July 24, 2016, in Ohr Chaim Shul, Monsey, New York.&nbsp;</p>

2863_discipline_with_love.jpg

22_מאנסי תשעו.pdf

21_rabbi_yy_jacobson_sunday_class_07242016.mp4

21_rabbi_yy_jacobson_sunday_class_07242016.mp3

tisha be'av

gevurah

discipline

9 av

tisah beav

17 tamuz

The Inside Story of the “Three Weeks”

Discipline Only From Love

<p>This class was presented to women on Tuesday Parshas Toldos, &nbsp;Nov. 29, 2016, at Ohr Chaim, Monsey, NY.&nbsp;In this class, Rabbi YY Jacobson answers the big question, how can we call Eisav a Rasha if his fate was predetermined in the womb of his mother? As it turns, out Judaism creates special space for struggle, and so should we. What G-d wants from you is not what He wants from me.&nbsp;Children should ever be compared to each other.&nbsp;</p>


4000_rock.jpg

21_womans_toldos_2016_11_29.mp4

21_womans_toldos_2016_11_29.mp3

toldos

eisav

rivkah

yaakov eisav

likkutei sichos toldos

The Torah Text Compels Us to Empathize with Eisav

Women's Toldos 5777 Class

The Innocent Eisav: How We Destroy Many a Child

<p>A lecture by Rabbi YY Jacobson presented at an Amudim Awareness Event in Forest Hill, Queens, NY, on March 4, 2017. This event was held in response to many recent cases of overdose and suicide in the Jewish community. This is a sharp speech about confronting the crisis of youths losing their lives to addiction and despair, and the layers of deceptions and lies that allow the crisis to fester.</p>


4151_amudim_event.3f9c.png

21_rabbi_yy_jacobson_amudim_awareness_event_3_4_2017.13cc.mp4

21_rabbi_yy_jacobson_amudim_awareness_event_3_4_2017.13cc.mp3

education

abuse

honesty

lies

dysfunction

youth

Amudim Awareness Event About Drug Addiction, Overdose, Depression and Suicide

When Religion Becomes Toxic and Full of Lies

<p>Do You Ever Throw a Child Out of the House? How to Deal with Rebellious Children. This class was presented in Adar 5777, March 2017, at Ohr Chain, Monsey, NY, at the conclusion of the daily Gemarah Shuir, Rosh Hashanah 16b, where the Gemarah says that Yishmael was judged based on his present siaution, not based on his future generations. The class was a response to the question, why, then, when it comes to a Ben Sorer Umoreh do we judge him based on his future, not his present?</p>


4173_child_abandoned.e6af.jpg

21_gemara_thurs_3_23_standalone.a9c9.mp4

21_gemara_thurs_3_23_standalone.a9c9.mp3

child abuse

trauma

chinuch

ben sorer umoreh

child molestation

yishamel

How to Deal with Children Who Break All Your Rules

Do You Ever Throw a Child Out of the House?

How To Talk To Your Children- The Power the Words You Use Have on Your Children. Class 1 of 4 

180_kidsh.jpg

22_1_how_to_talk_to_your_kids.pdf

drizin_class_1.360p.mp4

drizin_class_1.mp3

How Words You Use Impact Your Children. Class 1 of 4 

How To Talk To Your Children

The Story of My Life -- How To Build Your Child's Self Esteem- We Are the Stories That We Tell, and the Stories Others Tell About Us. Lecture 2 of 4 

186_samarkandh.jpg

drizin_class_2.360p.mp4

drizin_class_2.mp3

We Are the Stories That We Tell, and the Stories Others Tell About Us. Lecture 2 of 4 

The Story of My Life -- How To Build Your Child's Self Esteem

Rewriting the Script of Your Life: Labels Make Us Feel that We Are All of Whatever the Label Says We Are. But We Are Not All of Anything. Class 3 of 4

188_kidsplayh.jpg

22_3_rewriting_the_script_of_your_life.pdf

drizin_class_3.360p.mp4

drizin_class_3.mp3

identity

script of life

lables

Labels Make Us Feel that We Are All of Whatever the Label Says We Are. But We Are Not All of Anything. Class 3 of 4

Rewriting the Script of Your Life

<p>The Conclusion of the Series on Narrative Therapy. Class 4 of 4</p>

194_child.jpg

22_4_is_there_only_one_way_to_raise_your_child.pdf

drizin_class_4.360p.mp4

drizin_class_4.mp3

narrative therapy

raising children

The Conclusion of the Series on Narrative Therapy. Class 4 of 4

Is There Only One Right Way to Raise Your Child?

When Can You Expel a Child From School?- How to Criticize the People Around You

55_55_childrenh.jpg

22_tazria_5771.pdf

tazria_5769_revised.360p.mp4

tazria_5769_revised.mp3

tzaraas

relationships

love

kohen

kohanim

kindness

criticism

motzei shem ra

slander

yeshiva

expulsion

priest

school

How to Criticize the People Around You

When Can You Expel a Child From School?

<div dir="rtl" style="text-align: left; line-height: 120%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt"><b><span dir="ltr" style="line-height: 120%; font-family: 'Verdana','sans-serif'; font-size: 10pt">A Bribe for Your Professor</span></b></div>

<div dir="rtl" style="text-align: justify; line-height: 120%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt">&nbsp;</div>

<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: justify; line-height: 120%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; unicode-bidi: embed; direction: ltr"><span style="line-height: 120%; font-family: 'Verdana','sans-serif'; font-size: 10pt">A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over, the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying, "A dollar per point."</span></div>

<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: justify; line-height: 120%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; unicode-bidi: embed; direction: ltr">&nbsp;</div>

<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: justify; line-height: 120%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; unicode-bidi: embed; direction: ltr"><span style="line-height: 120%; font-family: 'Verdana','sans-serif'; font-size: 10pt">At the next class, the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $56 change.</span></div>

<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: justify; line-height: 120%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; unicode-bidi: embed; direction: ltr">&nbsp;</div>

<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: justify; line-height: 120%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; unicode-bidi: embed; direction: ltr"><b><span style="line-height: 120%; font-family: 'Verdana','sans-serif'; font-size: 10pt">One Heart</span></b></div>

<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: justify; line-height: 120%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; unicode-bidi: embed; direction: ltr">&nbsp;</div>

<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: justify; line-height: 120%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; unicode-bidi: embed; direction: ltr"><span style="line-height: 120%; font-family: 'Verdana','sans-serif'; font-size: 10pt">The Talmud relates the following episode:</span></div>

<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: justify; line-height: 120%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; unicode-bidi: embed; direction: ltr">&nbsp;</div>

<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: justify; line-height: 120%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; unicode-bidi: embed; direction: ltr"><span style="line-height: 120%; font-family: 'Verdana','sans-serif'; font-size: 10pt">When our father Jacob was on his deathbed, surrounded by all of his children, he suddenly felt that the Divine presence, the Shechinah, departed from him. He was overtaken by dread and fear that one of his children present in the room was living an immoral life, and that is why the Shechinah has left him. The old father confronted his children asking if perhaps one of them has corrupted his ways, betraying the values he, Jacob, had attempted to inculcate within them. </span></div>

<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: justify; line-height: 120%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; unicode-bidi: embed; direction: ltr">&nbsp;</div>

<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: justify; line-height: 120%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; unicode-bidi: embed; direction: ltr"><span style="line-height: 120%; font-family: 'Verdana','sans-serif'; font-size: 10pt">His sons responded with the most famous Jewish declaration: “Shema Yisrael Hashem Elokenu Hashem Echad." Listen Israel – Jacob’s name was Israel -- the Lord is <b>Our</b> G-d, the Lord is One. Kishem Sh’ein B’libcha Ela Echad, Kach Ein B’libeinu Ela Echad. Just as in YOUR heart there is only One, so too, in OUR heart there is only One."</span></div>

<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: justify; line-height: 120%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; unicode-bidi: embed; direction: ltr">&nbsp;</div>

<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: justify; line-height: 120%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; unicode-bidi: embed; direction: ltr"><span style="line-height: 120%; font-family: 'Verdana','sans-serif'; font-size: 10pt">At that moment Jacob responded and said, "Boruch Shem Kevod Malchuto Le’olam Va’ed. Blessed be the honorable name of His kingdom forever and ever." (Talmud Pesachim 56a). </span></div>

<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: justify; line-height: 120%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; unicode-bidi: embed; direction: ltr">&nbsp;</div>

<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: justify; line-height: 120%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; unicode-bidi: embed; direction: ltr"><span style="line-height: 120%; font-family: 'Verdana','sans-serif'; font-size: 10pt">Their response raises a question. Let's&nbsp;listen to their words carefully: “Just as in YOUR heart there is only One, so too, in OUR heart there is only One.” The first half of their statement seems superfluous. We know that in <b>Jacob’s</b> heart there was only One G-d. That was not up for discussion; no one was suspecting Jacob’s heart. The question was what was going on in THEIR heart. All they needed to say was, “Listen father, in OUR heart there is only One!”?</span></div>

<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: justify; line-height: 120%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; unicode-bidi: embed; direction: ltr">&nbsp;</div>

<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: justify; line-height: 120%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; unicode-bidi: embed; direction: ltr"><b><span style="line-height: 120%; font-family: 'Verdana','sans-serif'; font-size: 10pt">A Mirror</span></b></div>

<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: justify; line-height: 120%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; unicode-bidi: embed; direction: ltr">&nbsp;</div>

<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: justify; line-height: 120%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; unicode-bidi: embed; direction: ltr"><span style="line-height: 120%; font-family: 'Verdana','sans-serif'; font-size: 10pt">The answer is that in this very expression they have encapsulated one of the great themes of education. The first half of their sentence was not superfluous. Jacob's children were explaining why their father need not fear about his children's moral destiny. "Jacob our father, if there is One in your heart," the children told their father, "you can be assured that in our hearts, too, there is only One." Children are the mirror of their parents’ hearts, not of their words<b>. </b>Since in your heart there was one, our heart too is saturated with the one living G-d.</span></div>

<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: justify; line-height: 120%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; unicode-bidi: embed; direction: ltr">&nbsp;</div>

<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: justify; line-height: 120%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; unicode-bidi: embed; direction: ltr"><span style="line-height: 120%; font-family: 'Verdana','sans-serif'; font-size: 10pt">All too often, parents think that they can impart values to their children without internalizing these values in their own daily lives. They teach their children about integrity, faith, love, and discipline, but they do not necessarily embody these principles themselves. They preach of one G-d, but that G-d does not challenge them in their personal lives. They will speak up against anger, animosity, envy, and selfishness, but they themselves fall prey to these traits. </span></div>

<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: justify; line-height: 120%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; unicode-bidi: embed; direction: ltr">&nbsp;</div>

<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: justify; line-height: 120%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; unicode-bidi: embed; direction: ltr"><span style="line-height: 120%; font-family: 'Verdana','sans-serif'; font-size: 10pt">This usually does not do the trick. Children do not respond to what the parents say as much as to who they are. Values are like colds: they are caught, not taught. If in your heart there is One – in his heart, there will also be One. When your child experiences consciously and subconsciously your purity and integrity, it is likely that the values that shaped the parents will continue in the lives of their children. </span><span style="line-height: 120%; font-family: 'Verdana','sans-serif'; font-size: 10pt">It may take some years or sometimes decades, but the seeds planted by your heart in the heart of your children&nbsp;will produce the results.</span></div>

<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: justify; line-height: 120%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; unicode-bidi: embed; direction: ltr">&nbsp;</div>

<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: justify; line-height: 120%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; unicode-bidi: embed; direction: ltr"><span style="line-height: 120%; font-family: 'Verdana','sans-serif'; font-size: 10pt">Political scientists have long found that four out of five people with a party preference grow up to vote the way their parents voted. In fact, while many people experience a temporary rejection of their parents’ politics in very early adulthood, virtually nothing is more predictive of your political ideology than that of your parents—it’s more of a determining factor than income, education, or any other societal yardstick.</span></div>

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<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: justify; line-height: 120%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; unicode-bidi: embed; direction: ltr"><b><span style="line-height: 120%; font-family: 'Verdana','sans-serif'; font-size: 10pt">Hypocrisy</span></b></div>

<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: justify; line-height: 120%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; unicode-bidi: embed; direction: ltr">&nbsp;</div>

<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: justify; line-height: 120%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; unicode-bidi: embed; direction: ltr"><span style="line-height: 120%; font-family: 'Verdana','sans-serif'; font-size: 10pt">When asked about the greatest challenge he faces today, the principal of one of the largest Jewish high schools in the United States related this thought: Parents spend thousands of dollars a year in tuition to send their children to our school where, along with calculus and chemistry, we are expected to teach some basic ethics. Then, on Sunday, the parents take their child to an amusement park and lie about his age in order to save five dollars on the admission fee. To save five bucks they destroy a $25,000 education. </span></div>

<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: justify; line-height: 120%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; unicode-bidi: embed; direction: ltr">&nbsp;</div>

<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: justify; line-height: 120%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; unicode-bidi: embed; direction: ltr"><span style="line-height: 120%; font-family: 'Verdana','sans-serif'; font-size: 10pt">Most parents and teachers realize that values and perspectives must be planted by personal example. However, in practice, we sometimes try to build into our childrens' and students' behavioral routines that we personally have not yet mastered. We insist that our children eat properly, even though we survive on coffee and donuts. We insist that they don't sit by the TV for hours, while we fall short of these expectations. In short, we find it easier to work on our children than on ourselves, and so that is sometimes what we do. </span></div>

<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: justify; line-height: 120%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; unicode-bidi: embed; direction: ltr">&nbsp;</div>

<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: justify; line-height: 120%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; unicode-bidi: embed; direction: ltr"><span style="line-height: 120%; font-family: 'Verdana','sans-serif'; font-size: 10pt">This hypocrisy has disastrous results: Too many children legitimately view their parents and teachers as insincere. Disrespect burgeons slowly until, around ages 12-15, it shreds the parent-child or teacher-student trust and relationship. Then children reject the moral authority of the adults in their lives. They isolate themselves emotionally from parents and teachers, and begin making their own (often self-destructive) decisions. </span></div>

<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: justify; line-height: 120%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; unicode-bidi: embed; direction: ltr">&nbsp;</div>

<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: justify; line-height: 120%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; unicode-bidi: embed; direction: ltr"><span style="line-height: 120%; font-family: 'Verdana','sans-serif'; font-size: 10pt">In a famous study regarding the transmission of values from parents to children, the following question was asked of many children: What do your parents want you to be when you grow up—rich, smart, famous or good? Most of the children -- from a variety of demographic and cultural sectors -- ranked rich, smart, or famous as most important. And the characteristic that ranked lowest was being 'good.' Ironically, parents across the same sectors responded that they favored 'good' as the preferred characteristic for their child. </span></div>

<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: justify; line-height: 120%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; unicode-bidi: embed; direction: ltr">&nbsp;</div>

<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: justify; line-height: 120%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; unicode-bidi: embed; direction: ltr"><span style="line-height: 120%; font-family: 'Verdana','sans-serif'; font-size: 10pt">Why was there this disconnect between the desire of the parents and the perception of their children? </span></div>

<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: justify; line-height: 120%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; unicode-bidi: embed; direction: ltr">&nbsp;</div>

<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: justify; line-height: 120%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; unicode-bidi: embed; direction: ltr"><span style="line-height: 120%; font-family: 'Verdana','sans-serif'; font-size: 10pt">The answer may be that preaching to children demands parallel practice by parents. True goodness is not taught in books, it is transmitted by living example. Parents may tell their children that they want them to be good people above all, but what are the children <i>experiencing </i>from their parents? Are they—the parents—placing goodness&nbsp;above all other comforts?</span></div>

<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: justify; line-height: 120%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; unicode-bidi: embed; direction: ltr">&nbsp;</div>

<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: justify; line-height: 120%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; unicode-bidi: embed; direction: ltr"><span style="line-height: 120%; font-family: 'Verdana','sans-serif'; font-size: 10pt">If you want to touch the heart of your child, make sure that your own heart was touched. And work not just on your conscious, but also on your unconscious identity. Children often respond to the unconscious of their parents even more than to their parents’ conscious selves.</span></div>

<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: justify; line-height: 120%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; unicode-bidi: embed; direction: ltr">&nbsp;</div>

<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: justify; line-height: 120%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; unicode-bidi: embed; direction: ltr"><span style="line-height: 120%; font-family: 'Verdana','sans-serif'; font-size: 10pt">This was the message of Jacob’s children to their father: The reason there is in our heart only One, is because our hearts reflect and mirror YOUR heart, and in your heart, there is only One. This is true concerning every parent and teacher.</span></div>


<p>Are You a Hypocrite? - On the Essence of Education</p>


875_hypocrosy.jpg

22_ac_lech_lecha.pdf

hypocracy

On the Essence of Education

Essay Vayechi

Are You a Hypocrite?

<p><strong> </strong><strong>Two phases</strong>&nbsp;</p>
<p>In a military class the professor asked the students, "What is the difference between an engagement and a battle?"  &nbsp; No one in the group offered any answer. The professor was frustrated. “Didn’t anyone read the material in the book?” he thundered.</p>
<p>Finally, one guy said that he knew the answer.&nbsp; "An engagement is the thing that came before marriage," he said, "while the battle is what followed it."&nbsp;</p>
<p> The fight&nbsp;</p>
<p>It is a daring Kabbalistic story, and its origin is in the foundational text of Kabbalah, the Zohar.</p>
<p>It tells of a moment when Moses argued with G-d over&nbsp;a particular Torah law. The five books of the Pentateuch were dictated by G-d to Moses, who then transcribed them. This explains the endless and infinite layers of meaning contained in each word, law and episode of the Bible, reflecting the endless and infinite “mind” of their author.</p>
<p>Yet, says the Zohar<a id="_edn1" href="javascript: void(0);" onclick="ty.scrollTo('_ednref1')">[1]</a>, at a particular point, G-d dictated a law to Moses, and Moses refused to transcribe it into the Torah.</p>
<p>It was the profoundly painful law recorded in this week’s Torah portion. It reads like this<a id="_edn2" href="javascript: void(0);" onclick="ty.scrollTo('_ednref2')">[2]</a>:</p>
<p>“If a man has a stubborn and rebellious son who does not obey the voice of his father and the voice of his mother, and does not listen to them when they discipline him; then his father and mother shall take hold of him and bring him to the elders at the gate of his town. They shall say to the elders, ‘This son of ours is stubborn and rebellious. He does not obey our voice. He is a profligate and a drunkard.'</p>
<p>“Then all the men of his town shall stone him to death. You must purge the evil from among you. All Israel will hear of it and be afraid.”</p>
<p>"G-d says to Moses," the Zohar recounts, "‘write!’ To which Moses responds: ‘Master of the universe! Leave this out. Will there ever be a father who would do this to his son?!'"</p>
<p>"G-d tells Moses, ‘I understand your view, yet you should still write it and you will be rewarded. You know [much], but I know [much] more.' Moses would still not budge. He cannot accept this seemingly senseless and horrible law.</p>
<p>Only after G-d shows Moses the deeper mystical interpretation of this Torah law, as it describes the dramatic history of the Jewish people, does Moses acquiesce. He transcribes the law into the biblical text. Only after&nbsp;learning that this law was attempting to convey mystical, rather than literal, truths does Moses find comfort with this mandate.&nbsp;</p>
<p><strong>Impossible conditions</strong>&nbsp;</p>
<p>Interestingly, these sentiments of Moses are echoed centuries later by the Talmudic sages living in the second century CE. The harshness of the law led these sages to conclude<a id="_edn3" href="javascript: void(0);" onclick="ty.scrollTo('_ednref3')">[3]</a> &nbsp;that "there&nbsp;never was nor ever will be a stubborn and rebellious son," i.e. this Torah law was a matter of theory rather than practice.&nbsp;  &nbsp; In fact, the rabbis derive from the biblical text so many conditions that were required for this law to be enacted, that its practical application was an impossibility(3).</p>
<p>To cite just a few examples: Both parents must consent to have their son declared as a “stubborn and rebellious son” and receive the death penalty. The boy must be within three months of his bar mitzvah in order&nbsp;to receive this penalty, not a day younger or older (younger than that, he was still a minor; older, he was not a child). He must have stolen money from his parents, used it to buy a tremendous amount of meat and Italian wine, eaten and drunk it in one go, in a place other than his parents' house, and so on.</p>
<p>This is not enough. For the law to be applied, the Talmud states, both parents need to have identical voices, a similar appearance and profess equal height <a id="_edn4" href="javascript: void(0);" onclick="ty.scrollTo('_ednref4')">[4]</a>. Since it is virtually impossible to have all of these conditions in place (unless the father and mother were twin siblings, which would prohibit them from marrying each other anyhow<a id="_edn5" href="javascript: void(0);" onclick="ty.scrollTo('_ednref5')">[5]</a>), this particular Torah law could never be applied in the real word.</p>
<p>Why then was it written? The sages answer (3), “So that we should expound the law and receive reward." What the Talmud seems to be suggesting is that expounding this law in depth will be rewarding for parents; it would enrich parenting and educational skills.</p>
<p>Indeed, when we focus on these verses, we can deduce extensive psychological, emotional and practical guidance on the goals and methods of a moral education. Today, I wish to focus on one aspect.&nbsp;</p>
<p><strong>How many voices in your home?</strong>&nbsp;</p>
<p> As usual in biblical study, a discrepancy in the text intimates deeper meanings. This text too, contains such a discrepancy.</p>
<p>“If a man has a stubborn and rebellious son who does not obey the voice of his father and the voice of his mother,” is how the case is introduced in the Bible.  His parents are described as&nbsp;having two distinct voices: “the voice of his father and the voice of his mother.” Yet later on, when the parents bring their son to court to mete out the penalty, we encounter a slight, but meaningful, variance: “They shall say to the elders, ‘This&nbsp;son of&nbsp;ours is stubborn and rebellious. He does not obey our voice.” No more “the voice of his father and the voice of his mother.” Now it has become “our voice.” Their distinct voices merged into one.</p>
<p>What is the meaning behind this subtle textual change?</p>
<p>The message, it has been suggested<a id="_edn6" href="javascript: void(0);" onclick="ty.scrollTo('_ednref6')">[6]</a>, is critical in education. The phrase “If a man has a stubborn and rebellious son who does not obey the voice of his father and the voice of his mother,” hints to one possible reason for this son becoming stubborn and&nbsp;rebellious. In his home there was not one voice, but two distinct and dichotomized voices. The voice of the father was not the voice of the mother. Each of them went his or her own way. The parents never managed to merge their distinct “voices” to create a&nbsp;unified and integrated vision for themselves and their children. Each of the parents was pulling the home in a different direction, and the poor children were left stuck in the middle, torn by the discord of people they love so dearly.</p>
<p>And if this were&nbsp;indeed the case, this child is not rebellious and stubborn at all.  He is a victim of his parents’ stubborn refusal to work on their emotions and discover peace in their fragmented home. The child need not suffer the consequences for his&nbsp;parents&nbsp;unreadiness&nbsp;to confront their egos and their demons, and build an ambiance of mutual respect and harmony. They may or may not have good reasons for their strife, but the child ought not to be blamed for responding to their wars with stubbornness and rebelliousness.&nbsp;What else do you expect of him?</p>
<p>Of course, even if you did not grow up in an idyllic and loving home, you are accountable for your actions. A human being could overcome his or her&nbsp;past. Yet you can't call this child "stubborn and rebellious."</p>
<p>If we are&nbsp;going to punish this child, we must be sure that his disposition is indeed corrupt from within. Thus, in the continuation of the incident, the Torah states, “They shall say to the elders, ‘This son of ours is stubborn and rebellious. He does not obey our&nbsp;voice.” To determine that this child has embarked on an irrevocable path to disaster (which is, according to the sages, the reason the Torah imposes such a horrific punishment on him<a id="_edn7" href="javascript: void(0);" onclick="ty.scrollTo('_ednref7')">[7]</a>), we must ensure that the parents spoke in one voice, that the home was filled with serenity and human dignity. If not, if two voices resided in the home  filled&nbsp;with divisiveness and resentment, the blame ought to be placed on the parents, not on the child. Since his distortion is due to his parent's discord, the path of healing is open to the boy.&nbsp;  &nbsp;</p>
<p><strong>Mutual respect</strong>&nbsp;</p>
<p>This may be the deeper meaning behind the Talmud’s statement that for this law to be applied, the parents must share identical voices, a similar height and a close resemblance to each other. Only if the voices in&nbsp;this child's life have been integrated by parents who shared an identical value system in life; only when this child observed a father and mother whose spiritual heights were similar; only a child who saw both of his parents projecting a similar vision of&nbsp;themselves, only in such a case may we perhaps conclude that this child, who has demonstrated terrible and destructive inclinations, is turning into a monster. His future may be hopeless<a id="_edn8" href="javascript: void(0);" onclick="ty.scrollTo('_ednref8')">[8]</a>.</p>
<p>Since these conditions are virtually impossible, for no parents can be perfect, the Talmud is suggesting that we never have the right to proclaim any child as “stubborn and rebellious,” even if we observe in him destructive patterns. The child may be responding, consciously or subconsciously, to the stress and turmoil in his parents’ lives.</p>
<p>Parents are not, nor do they need to be, perfect. Yet, as long as we work toward transforming our distinct voices into a single voice, as long as we learn to truly respect the otherness of our spouse and create together a loving&nbsp;ambiance in our homes, we are likely to raise children who will lovingly embrace the morals and values their parents hold dear.&nbsp;</p>
<p><a id="_ednref1" href="javascript: void(0);" onclick="ty.scrollTo('_edn1')">[1]</a> Zohar&nbsp;</p>
<p>Balak&nbsp;197b.&nbsp;</p>
<p><a id="_ednref2" href="javascript: void(0);" onclick="ty.scrollTo('_edn2')">[2]</a> Deuteronomy 21: 18-21.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p><a id="_ednref3" href="javascript: void(0);" onclick="ty.scrollTo('_edn3')">[3]</a> Talmud Sanhedrin 71a.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p><a id="_ednref4" href="javascript: void(0);" onclick="ty.scrollTo('_edn4')">[4]</a> The reason for this law is&nbsp;</p>
<p>because the Torah states, “He will not obey our voice,” instead of “he will not obey our voices.” The use of the expression “our voice,” a plural pronoun and singular noun, indicates that the two parents must have a single voice, meaning that their voices&nbsp;are similar. “Since they must be alike in voice,” the Talmud concludes, “they must be alike in appearance and stature also." See&nbsp;Maharsha,&nbsp;Toras&nbsp;Chaim&nbsp;and Ben&nbsp;Yehoyada&nbsp;to Talmud ibid. for some explanations on how this follows.&nbsp;</p>
<p><a id="_ednref5" href="javascript: void(0);" onclick="ty.scrollTo('_edn5')">[5]</a> See&nbsp;</p>
<p>Sefas&nbsp;Emes&nbsp;to Talmud Yuma 62a.&nbsp;</p>
<p><a id="_ednref6" href="javascript: void(0);" onclick="ty.scrollTo('_edn6')">[6]</a> Ateres</p>
<p>&nbsp;moshe&nbsp;Ki&nbsp;Satzie&nbsp;p. 205.&nbsp;Pardas&nbsp;Yosef Ki&nbsp;Satzie&nbsp;21:18 section 4.&nbsp;</p>
<p><a id="_ednref7" href="javascript: void(0);" onclick="ty.scrollTo('_edn7')">[7]</a> "The Torah foresaw the ultimate destiny of the stubborn and rebellious son. Having dissipated his father's wealth, he would seek to satisfy his wants and be unable to do&nbsp;</p>
<p>so. He would then go to a crossroad and rob. Therefore the Torah ordained: Let him die innocent rather than die guilty -- for the death of the wicked benefits both themselves [because they have no chance to commit further crimes] and the world" (Sanhedrin&nbsp;72b). The law of the stubborn and rebellious son is a form of pre-emptive punishment. He is deemed worthy of punishment not for what he has done but for what he is likely to do in the future.&nbsp;</p>
<p><a id="_ednref8" href="javascript: void(0);" onclick="ty.scrollTo('_edn8')">[8]</a> Rabbi S.R. Hirsh, in his commentary to these verses, explains</p>
<p>&nbsp;the literal logic behind these conditions. Rabbi Hirsh suggests that the Torah requires the child to have an equal relationship with both his parents. Since this child is extremely physical, the physical features of his parents must be identical. This, of&nbsp;course, is not a practical law; it is symbolic of an idea: before we can deem a child to be rebellious, we must first examine all angles in his relationship to his parents.&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p>My gratitude to Shmuel Levin, a writer and editor in Pittsburgh, for his editorial assistance.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>

Why Children Rebel - The Argument Between Moses and G-d

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The Argument Between Moses and G-d

Why Children Rebel

<p><strong>The&nbsp;Rabbi and his Driver</strong><br>
A renowned rabbi, a brilliant philosopher, was held in high regard by his driver, who listened in awe at every speech while his boss would easily answer questions about morality, ethics and philosophy.</p><p>Then one day the driver approached the rabbi and asked if he was willing to switch roles for the evening's lecture. The rabbi&nbsp;agreed and, for a while, the driver handled himself remarkably well. When it came time for questions from the guests, a&nbsp;man in the back asked, "Is the epistemological view of the universe still valid in an existentialist world?"</p><p>"That is an extremely simple question," he responded. "So simple, in fact, that even my driver could answer that, which is exactly what he will do."</p>

<p><strong>The Detached Teacher</strong><br>
The teacher was always so involved in the text he was teaching that he never looked up at his students.</p>

<p>He would call on a student for translation and&nbsp;explanation, and -- without realizing it -- he often chose the same student day after day.</p>

<p>Out of respect, the students wouldn't point this out to him.</p>

<p>After being called on four days in a row, a student named Goldberg asked advice from his friends.</p>

<p>The next day when the rabbi said "Goldberg, translate and explain," Goldberg replied, "Goldberg is absent today."</p>

<p>"All right," said the rabbi. "You translate and explain."</p>

<p><strong>The Final Lesson</strong><br>
There is an intriguing Midrashic tradition (1), that Jacob's final lesson with his beloved son Joseph just hours before he was kidnapped and sold into slavery dealt with a law concerning an unsolved murder case in this week’s portion, Shoftim.</p><p>We are all familiar with the narrative. Joseph, who was 17 years of old at the time, was asked by his father to visit his brothers, who were shepherding the family flock near the city of Shechem.&nbsp;When the lad arrived in Shechem, his brothers kidnapped him and cast him into a pit; then they sold him into slavery to Egyptian merchants.</p><p>Joseph&nbsp;ended up working for an Egyptian dignitary, then spent 12 years in an Egyptian dungeon and&nbsp;finally became viceroy of that country (2).</p><p>Twenty-two years after Joseph was torn away from his father, the Bible relates (3), Jacob received word that he was alive, but he could not believe it.&nbsp;The Midrash relates (1) that since Joseph suspected that this might happen, he gave the emissaries a sign to demonstrate to his father the authenticity of the message: "Tell my father," Joseph suggested, "that when I left him 22 years ago we had just completed studying the laws of the calf that was brought as an atonement for an unsolved murder."</p><p>This, the&nbsp;the Midrash explains, is the meaning in the biblical verse that reads, "They told him [Jacob], 'Joseph is still alive and he is the ruler over all Egypt'; but his heart rejected it, for he could not believe them. However, when they related to him [to Jacob] all the words that Joseph had spoken to them, and he saw the wagons that Joseph had sent to transport him [from Israel to Egypt], then the spirit of Jacob was revived (3)."</p><p>The Hebrew term used for wagons ("agalos") can also be translated as calves. "When Jacob 'saw' the calves that Joseph sent," i.e., when he realized that this Egyptian leader knew the content of the last Torah lesson that Jacob taught Joseph, Jacob realized that this man was indeed his lost son Joseph.</p><p><strong>An Unresolved Murder</strong><br>
What exactly is the nature of this law that Jacob taught Joseph? It is discussed in the book of Deuteronomy in this week’s portion and it goes like this:<br>
&nbsp;<br>
"When a corpse is found fallen in the field in the land that G-d gives you&nbsp;to possess," The Torah instructs (4), "and it is not known who the murderer is, your elders and judges must go out and measure the distance to the closest city," where we assume the victim was last before his murder. The Talmud explains that a delegation of five members of the Jewish Supreme Court in Jerusalem (known as the Great Sanhedrin) would come to the field where the victim was discovered and make the measurements to the closest city (5).&nbsp;</p><p>Following this, the elders of that city situated closest to the corpse, were obliged to go out and bring a heifer as an atonement for the slain man's blood (4). The elders of the city would then declare, "Our hands have not spilled this blood and our eyes have not witnessed it (6)."&nbsp;</p><p>Then the priests who accompanied the elders in the ritual would beseech G-d, saying, "Forgive your people ... do not allow the guilt for innocent blood to remain with your people Israel (7)."&nbsp;</p><p>The Torah concludes by saying that "The blood shall thus be atoned for. You shall thus rid yourself of the guilt of innocent blood in your midst, since you will have done that which is morally right in G-d's eyes (7*)."&nbsp;</p><p>Yet the interesting question is, was it merely a coincidence that the last piece of wisdom Joseph received from his saintly father prior to their 22-year separation focused on the Jewish response to an innocent man slain the field? Or was there something deeper about this final exchange between father and son (8)?</p><p><strong>A National Crisis </strong><br>
To answer this question,&nbsp;we must examine the purpose of the enigmatic ritual that followed the discovery of a slain victim in the field -- where members of the Supreme Court, the most exalted and distinguished body in the Jewish state, were required to come down and make measurements; the elders of the city were obligated to offer a calf as an atonement and the priests needed to pray for forgiveness.&nbsp;</p><p>Biblical commentators explain that the ritual achieved&nbsp;a number of major benefits (9):&nbsp;</p><p>1) The ritual served as a means to publicize the event. The publicity would increased the chances of apprehending the murderer and bring him to justice. It also would send a warning to all future potential murderers that they would not get away with an isolated murder of an innocent man.&nbsp;</p><p>2) The Torah viewed each member of the nearby city and even each member of the entire nation indirectly responsible for the murder. As the priests proclaimed during the ritual (7*), "Forgive your people; do not allow the guilt for innocent blood to remain with your people Israel."</p><p>"Would it occur to anybody that the elders of the court are murderers," asks the Talmud (10)?"&nbsp; What they meant was that "perhaps we did not notice him leaving and we sent him off without food and without escort." Clearly, if we would have looked after this man, he might not have been slain. If he was given shelter, food and company, he might have escaped his horrible fate. What was he doing out in no-man's land alone?&nbsp;Why did nobody look after him?</p><p>For this the entire community of Israel, beginning with the members of the Supreme Court, needed to ask of themselves tough questions. They were required to make resolutions for the future. The ritual served as a tool for repentance and atonement.</p><p><strong>The Outcasts </strong><br>
Each Mitzvah and law in the Torah contains, in addition to its literal interpretation, a psychological and spiritual dimension as well (11).</p><p>What is the meaning of "a corpse fallen in the field"&nbsp;on a psychological level?</p><p>The Torah describes&nbsp;the great struggler&nbsp;Esau (Jacob's twin brother) as "a man of the field (12)." In the teachings of Kabbalah (13), a field -- as opposed to a city -- often symbolizes an environment that has no protective fence, a location that is open and vulnerable&nbsp;to&nbsp;destructive forces of immorality, abuse and addiction.</p><p>Every community produces a certain number of what we like to call "dropouts" who at some point during their life, particularly during adolescence, abandon the shielded "city" and enter into the unguarded "field" to experiment with all that is available out there. Many of them lose their souls in the process and end up in the abyss, emotionally slain in the killing fields of addiction, despair and moral indifference.</p><p>The Torah teaches us that each of these souls who ended up in the "field" and encountered a form of emotional death -- death of innocence, of hope, of dignity and of meaning --<br>
is the concern and responsibility of each and every member of the nation of Israel, including the spiritual giants of the Supreme Court in Jerusalem!</p><p>When a fellow human being wanders out to the scary fields of hopelessness, every individual of the community, particularly its spiritual teachers and leaders, must shake the heavens. Each of us must ask ourselves the question, "Perhaps we did not notice him leaving and we sent him off without food and without escort." Did this teenager need somebody to talk to about his frustrations and doubts but could not find anybody? Was this young boy or girl craving for some love, encouragement, inspiration, to no avail?<br>
&nbsp;<br>
Each of us must ask ourselves the question,&nbsp;"Are we not responsible in some small way for this youngster's mental and psychological deterioration?"&nbsp;</p><p>Principals, educators and community leaders&nbsp;often talk about statistics. "Statistics show," they inform us,&nbsp;"that a certain percent of high school kids end up..."&nbsp;When the future of a particular child is put in question, we have&nbsp;the ready answer: "What do you expect? He or she is part of the statistic."<br>
&nbsp;<br>
I do not mean to be harsh, but we must remember that it was Joseph Stalin who said, "A single death is a tragedy; a million deaths is a statistic." When we begin viewing people as statistics, we know that our society&nbsp;is eroding&nbsp;from within. Human lives are not means; they are ends in-and-of themselves. The value and sanctity of&nbsp;an individual&nbsp;destiny is infinite, absolute and eternal.</p>

<p>It is time for all of us, parents and leaders of all communities, to open our eyes to the struggles of so many of our young, most precious souls, to be attentive to their needs, rather than getting frustrated that they are not living up to our delusional expectations of them. Do not shut your eyes and heart to mental illness, to addiction, to depression, to the results of molestation and abuse of all sorts, to all types of agony these youngsters are suffering from.</p>

<p>More than anything, do not make them feel like outcasts, losers, disappointments. Believe in them, so that they can believe in themselves. See them as fragments of G-d, as particles of holiness, as rays of infinity. Make them feel welcome, embraced, and loved.</p>

<p><strong>The Nuremberg Trials</strong><br>
In "Judgment at Nuremberg," American judge Dan&nbsp;Haywood sentences Ernst Janning, an important legal figure in Germany even before the rise of Hitler, to life in prison for condemning an innocent Jewish doctor to death in 1935. Janing pleads to Haywood that he was unaware of the magnitude of the Nazi horror and that he would have never assisted Hitler had he known what the monster was scheming.</p><p>"Those people, those millions of people," Janing&nbsp;begged for his freedom,&nbsp;"I never knew it would come to that. You must believe it."</p><p>To which Judge Haywood replied: "It came to that the first time you sentenced a man to death you knew to be innocent."</p><p>The moment a single life loses its absolute value, a thousand lives, even a million lives, are ultimately not of value; they are merely more chocking numbers.</p><p>This is the essential message behind the mitzvah of turning the murder of a homeless man found in an isolated field into a national event. The Torah is attempting to teach us that If hell does not break loose with the undeserving death of a single individual, we are well on our way downward to absolute moral decomposition; we have successfully forfeited the most important staple of humaneness --&nbsp;viewing each and every life as a reflection of G-d.</p>

<p><strong>You Matter!</strong><br>
Above all, this loaded ritual around a human being slain in the field provides a message for those children or adults who find themselves out in the "field" of confusion and depression.</p><p>The message is that from G-d's perspective, your individual life and destiny contains endless value and significance. If you "die," G-d expects everybody to experience the pain, to take part&nbsp;in&nbsp;the path of introspection.&nbsp;Your journey, your struggle, your future is of the greatest importance to G-d, to the world, to history. Know that every deed counts, that each word has infinite power. Fashion each day of your life as if it were a piece of art.</p><p>Now we will understand why providence had Jacob teach this lesson to Joseph hours before he was cast into a new hellish reality.&nbsp;For this was the message that rescued a vulnerable Joseph from falling into the abyss, after being brutally torn from a sheltered and sacred "city" and cast into the most depraved "field" on earth. The last lesson that Joseph heard from his father imbued within him the unshakable conviction that his life, each moment of it, was eternally significant; that his choices&nbsp;had divine&nbsp;significance.&nbsp;</p><p>Twenty-two years later, when Jacob heard that Joseph did not forget that final lesson, a father's soul was brought back to life. Jacob recognized that despite all the pain and abuse that Joseph endured, his son did not lose the inner spark that gives each of our lives endless&nbsp;nobility and meaning (14).</p><p>(This essay is based on an address by the Lubavitcher Rebbe in August 1981 (15))</p>

<p>1) Midrash Rabah Vayigash 94:3; Tanchumah Vayigash section 11; Rashi to Genesis 45:27. 2) Genesis 37:12-41:45.&nbsp;<br>
3) Genesis 45:26-27.&nbsp;<br>
4) Deuteronomy 21:1-2.&nbsp;<br>
5) Soteh 44b. Quoted in Rashi to Deuteronomy ibid.&nbsp;<br>
6) The heifer was decapitated. There is a divergent Midrashic tradition that the heifer was merely struck on the back of its neck so that it would run away and find the house of the murderer (Midrash Agadah; Bechaya).&nbsp;<br>
7) Deuteronomy 21:3-8.&nbsp;<br>
7*) Ibid. verses 8-9.&nbsp;<br>
8) Another point in question: From the Midrash it seems that Jacob's spirit was revived primarily because of the information he received that Joseph remembered their final lesson so vividly. Yet this seems amiss: Was the news that Joseph was alive insufficient enough to restore Jacob's life and joy? (See Likkutei Sichos vol. 30 p. 222).&nbsp;<br>
&nbsp;9)&nbsp;See Rambam, Guide to the Perplexed 3:40, quoted in Ramban and Bechaya to Deuteronomy 21:1. Cf. Sefer HaChenuch Mitzvah 530 and Abarbenel on the Parsah. See also Kesef Mishnah to Hilchos Rotzach 10:6.&nbsp;Bechaya to Deuteronomy 21:1.&nbsp;Ramban ibid. Cf. Likkutei Sichos vol. 24 pp. 126-8 and in footnote # 59 and references noted there.<br>
10) Soteh 45b. Quoted in Rashi ibid. 21:7.&nbsp;<br>
11) See Rambam end of Hilchos Temurah.<br>
12) Genesis 25:27.<br>
13) Or Hatorah to Genesis ibid. (p. 142b); Likkutei Torah Reah p. 32b; references noted in Likkutei Sichos vol. 30 p. 223 footnote no. 17.<br>
14) Jacob obviously was unaware of the true significance of this lesson. He was acting super-consciously, as an agent of Divine providence (See Likkutei Sichos ibid. footnote no. 24).<br>
15) Likkutei Sichos vol. 24 pp. 126-131. See also Likkutei Sichos vol. 30 pp. 222-224.</p>


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Jacob's Last Lecture

Lost Souls

<p>This lecture was presented to all of the staff of Encore, Special Education Behavioral Health and Related Services, a children Therapy serving agency, on 23 Elul, 5778, September 3, 2018, in Boro Park, Brooklyn, NY.</p>


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21_rabbi_yy_jacobson_when_your_child_is_having_difficulties_in_school_encore.c0e4.mp4

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When Your Child Is Having Difficulties In School

When a Boy Was Insulted for Grooming His Hair

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