• RYJ

  Rabbi YY Jacobson -8 years ago

  Someone sent this to me, in response to this lecture, very wise and perceptive in my opinion:
  I wanted to add one haoro, you said "if you'll believe in and value your child, then they will believe in and value themselves."
  Lichuro it goes a step further and deeper, that if you learn to believe in and value your own true self worth, a chelek aloka, then you'll have no problem discovering it in your child and then they'll learn to appreciate it for themselves.
  Bepashtus this was also your kavanah, I just wanted to run it by you. I think it also needs to be greatly emphasized.
  Because this is where people are suffering most. Having lost sight of who they truly are and what their true tachlis is, they run around looking for an identity and craving validation, as if their self-worth comes from without and not from within.
  You can’t extend to others what you alone don’t possess. One who isn’t happy can’t be happy for others. One who isn’t comfortable with themselves can’t reach out to compliment and strengthen another. One who is too preoccupied trying to validate and justify themselves to themselves has no space in their lives to nurture someone else.
  Parents make the mistake thinking they own their children, and therefore want to be able to control their identity. They also sadly use their children to enhance their own image, as if their children’s purpose is to serve them. So when the child chooses a ‘permissible, legal, dignified career’ but it isn’t how the parents would have wanted, the parents feel like failures having lost their control, thus make their children feel like failures, etc.
  Wendy Mogel puts it nicely: Try to see your child as a seed that comes in a packet without a label. Your job is to provide the right environment and nutrients and to pull the weeds. You can’t decide what type of flower you’ll get or in which season it will bloom.
  Many of our lives became superficial, the need to impress, and we lost the sense of true innate identity and purpose.
  I feel that the reason many children are rejecting yiddishkeit is because the reasons their parents gave them were all about social pressure, to fit in, reputation, guilt, fear etc. And today’s children are turning to their parents and saying, “nebich on you for being so trapped. BH I’m free, confident and content with myself. And if yiddishkeit is only about the show, I feel no need to impress.” I say this all the time in my community, non frum yidden, but their insistence that their children marry Jews. In the past 3 months four families have married non Jews. The parents are beside themselves. When I can speak honestly, I tell them this. You have to teach your child that the reason to be a yid is because it’s the best and truest thing for you. Want proof? Look at me, that’s why I chose to live the way I do…
  There is fine line between encouraging a person to accept themselves, get rid of the guilt, and ultimately 'be content with all your grobkeit' etc (after all you didn’t create your nefesh habehamis, Tanya ch. 31 at the end), vs telling a person accept who you truly are, a chelek eloka, a chosen child of hashem, 'ish halacha', and if you're imperfect that’s ok, etc. In other words, when a person has a failing, or a terrible desire, do they say 1) its fine, its gods fault, I’m still a good guy, or 2) its not ok, i should not just accept it but rather work on it, but it doesn’t make me into a bad person... i guess my concern was the risk of blurring the fine line, which of course you weren’t but I was concerned how the mekablim received it. Keyadua, its not only about what we say but also about what they hear. But thank you for these powerful insights.
  Encouraging a person to discover and embrace themselves, their true identity as a shtik elokus, will ultimately cause a person to have more hope in themselves, work harder to succeed in hagbaras tzura al hachomer etc. This is the litmus test. If however such encouragement causes a person to become lazy, guiltless, content, self-forgiving and self-righteous etc, then something is very off.
  My thoughts: there are certain 'standards' that are innate and we dont have the freedom to choose. For example, if youre born a male, it would be an unhealthy choice to want to change that. So I believe it would be morally appropriate to impress upon a person to accept their gender. But then there are other things that you certainly have the freedom to choose and 'discover yourself'.
  We believe that basic torah, mitzvas, shulchan aruch, are the undisputable standards that are for your own health, both spiritual and physical. Its your gender, how you are wired. But once you are a yirei shomayim, nowhere does it say you have to dress a certain way, assume a certain role, etc. So long as any choice you make - like career, conduct, lifestyle, social behavior, etc - is consistent with shulchan aruch, it is legitimate.
  There may be many grey areas what those shulchan aruch lines actually are, but at least that needs to be the consideration. So if a child chooses not to go into education, chinuch, learning, shlichus, not to work in klei kodesh etc, the consideration shouldnt be 'a shandeh, an embarrassment, a misfit etc' but rather 'are their choices commensurate with shulchan aruch or not'. That is a real and legitimate conversation.

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• E

  e -8 years ago

  I wanted to add one haoro, you said "if you'll believe in and value your child, then they will believe in and value themselves."
  Lichuro it goes a step further and deeper, that if you learn to believe in and value your own true self worth, a chelek aloka, then you'll have no problem discovering it in your child and then they'll learn to appreciate it for themselves.
  Bepashtus this was also your kavanah, I just wanted to run it by you. I think it also needs to be greatly emphasized.

  Reply to this comment.Flag this comment.

Rabbi YY Jacobson

• November 30, 2015
• |
• 18 Kislev 5776
• |
• 3667 views

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