The Betrothed Addict

Class Description

In the 30th chapter of Numbers, the Torah discusses the laws of the annulment of vows. If a married woman makes a vow (“I promise I will not eat meat”), her husband has the authority to veto it, and declare his wife's vows null and void.

The Torah differentiates between two categories of husband: an arus, a betrothed husband, and a baal, a full husband. Under Torah law, marriage consists of two distinct stages. First is the betrothal (erusin), by which the bride becomes "forbidden to the rest of the world." From this point on, for another man to have relations with her is tantamount to adultery, and to dissolve the betrothal requires a get (writ of divorce), as for a full-fledged marriage. The betrothal, however, only establishes the prohibitive side of marriage (the exclusion of all other men from the relationship), but not the substance of the relationship itself—the two still cannot live together as man and wife. This is achieved through the second stage of marriage, the nissu'in, which renders man and wife "one flesh." In Biblical and Talmudic times, the eirusin and the nissu'in were held on two separate occasions, so that for a certain period of time (usually a year) the bride and groom were bound by the prohibitions of marriage but had not yet begun their actual life together. In this period, the groom is called an arus, and only following the nissu'in, the second stage, he assumes the status of a baal.

Regarding the annulment of vows, the arus and the baal differ in two respects. The baal has the sole authority to annul his wife's vows, while the arus can do so only in conjunction with his bride's father. On the other hand, there is also an area in which the authority of the arus is greater than that of the baal: the baal can only annul vows made by his wife after their marriage (nissu'in), while the arus can revoke earlier vows, including those made by his bride prior to their betrothal.

The Talmud explains that these two laws are interdependent. Because the baal's ability to annul his wife's vows derives solely from the relationship between them, he has no authority over vows made before this relationship came into being. And because the arus’s authority is in partnership with the father, it extends as far back as that of the father.

Every law in Judaism, we know, has a psychological and emotional counterpart. This class explores the relevant personal ramifications of this law by examining two profiles of people: the human being who has made full peace with G-d, and the person who still struggles with G-d, and is never fully integrated with Him. At first glance it would seem the former is in a superior state, but in essence, it is the other way around.

This class gives unique comfort to those of us who never seem to “get there” and are always enmeshed in a struggle against our demons, addictions, and inner challenges.

want to view on my ipod touch

can you change your video so I can see or at least hear on my ipod touch?

it is amazing!!

mp3

why there is no mp3 file of the class ?

Question

The whole halacha in the time of irusin, is only when the wife is between 12 to 12 and a half, if she's meoreset after that age can the father and husband still do hatarat nedarim?

B”H

From Questions and Exercises
4. When a young girl is betrothed but not married, who may annul her vows? Why?
As it s clear from this class, gear of pull-push counterpoised encoded in Father&Husband’s alliance.
5. When a woman is married, who may annul her vows?
Her husband. Why? Because it costs less for him to annul hers than his own… later.
6. Are you an addict?
With classes like this?
7. Have you conquered your skeletons, or are you still essentially always battling?
Take a guess!
What is the advantage of a struggling addict over the spiritually complete person?
In short: first one has more tools than the second one.
Making line of that problem straight in the direction of Rav Yossi’s fascinating insight I found interesting shift from his true statement about “surrender to a higher partner” to Behavioral Psychology and Extinction of Maladaptive Behavioral. Let’s say, addiction is any activity braced with strong motivation at the expense of full harmony and balance of other activities and ultimately fatal deprivation from life sources of thrive.It can be drugs, computer games, gambling, sex, obesity, shopping sport and so on. Reason that trigger addiction may be concealed in “unconscious chambers” of our psycho, but it may be perceived as an accident on a surface level. By accident a person finds pleasurable of being intoxicated at the beginning, then it turns to a habit that later can consume him or her as a “strange fire”. He is locked, constrained, drawn down.
When we ask father to help with unhooking his daughter from that dependence, we know that his capacity are limited with the time frame. When she is twelve, for six months her Dad is apt to treat her “maladaptive behavior” due to great flexibility of female nature, but later, when the fanlight of her psycho is closed with full maturation, he cannot do that. We have to wait next transitional period to fix the problem.
(I wonder how many times Torah gives a woman opportunity to escape “maladaptive behavior”. According to this Parshah only three, but childbirth and menopause can bring transformation as well, unfortunately in both way good and bad …)
During betrothal stage a woman gets another chance. Father’s & groom’s alliance creates fascinating gear at work: father may help with psychological links to the girl’s past and a groom contributes with uplifting her personal status and self-esteem. So two forces, teshuva and kedoshim, come to work together and make “a simple miracle”.
Furthermore, difference in life style of both families (one may be more liberal and another stricter) can create a healing breeze: like cold-warm bathing for a body can tone the organs, environmental changes can bring new life forces in to work. It is sad that now young couples do not have two stages process of marriage, it might be very helpful for many of them. And it’s pity that Torah does not save for males the same opportunities of growth as for females. Maybe because Torah knows from the very beginning that nothing can be done, as two X chromosomes of female are more flexible with rehabilitation than male’s XY set…

downloud

shalom.

we have o problem to downloud full shiur in the last 3 weeks.

thanks fore fixing the problem

Future

Baruch HaShem

This shiur remind me of the words of Dr. Victor Frankl;
A person was not a son of his past, but the father of his future.

words

your words about words!!
you open this lesson with a reminder of how crucial words are in the creative and healing process.
Moshiach in Hebrew can also be read as Maisiach, as in Maisiach ilmim, yet I have yet to read or hear something on that connection.would love to hear a class on this topic

gevald

yk Rebbe

I didn't quite understand which role does Hashem play in the spiritual aspectt - the father or the husband?

answers to your questions

1. At what age does Jewish law take vows seriously – for males and for females? Why the difference?

12 1/2 for women, 13 for men.

2. At what age can a father annul the vows of his daughter? Why?

Up until the age of 12 1/2, after that she's like a bat mitzvah

3. Can a husband annul all of his wife’s vows? Why?

No, only the ones that affect him or the one where she vows to hurt herself within the course of marriage.

4. When a young girl is betrothed but not married, who may annul her vows? Why?

Her father and the groom, father must be present. She's not a "complete" wife yet.

5. When a woman is married, who may annul her vows? Why?

Only she can, as long as one of the two conditions above are not met.

6. Are you an addict?

Of course.

7. Have you conquered your skeletons, or are you still essentially always battling?

Who answers yes to the first part of this question?

8. What is the advantage of a struggling addict over the spiritually complete person?

We are in motion; they are sedate. We are dynamic; they are static. We are interesting; they are boring. We fight; they rest. We struggle; they dream.

To say the words "I will forget my past", to think it and to believe it, still do not soothe the body. The body has heard enough words.

to yisroel

in answer to your question: the father.